Reeve vs. Reeves

Good, thanks! How ‘bout you? Glad to hear it.

So how’s this for a Friday night tragedy of epic proportions? Our 8:30PM choices are:

• Channel 7: Speed (1994) Jack Traven is an LAPD cop on SWAT detail who has a fearless nature and a keen understanding of the criminal mind. So far, it is just that which has kept him alive. But Jack's luck is about to change. He is put to the ultimate test when he is trapped on a runaway bus that is set to explode if it's speed falls under 50mph. With many passengers on board and lives at risk, the pressure is on Jack to save the day.
• Channel 9: Superman (1978) Christopher Reeve stars as Superman, a man that can travel faster than a speeding bullet and leap tall buildings in a single bound. This original blockbuster film traces Superman's life from a baby on the doomed planet Krypton to the time when his powers for good are revealed to the world.
• Channel 10: The Dish (2000) The story of how the pictures of man's first moon landing were sent back to the world from a sheep paddock in Parkes, NSW.

Seeing as how I recently rented The Dish as part of my exploration of classic Australian cinema, I quickly nixed that option from the list. So would it be Superman (added as a late programming change by 9 as a tribute to recent passing of Chris Reeve), or Speed (the star vehicle for the military-cut-and-then-newly-buff Canadian stud Keanu)? (Editor’s note: have you seen Keanu in Something’s Gotta Give as the man-boy-toy of Diane Keaton? The boy has definitely retained stunning screen presence even despite the fact that his younger years are behind him!)

In the end, the decision wasn't too difficult: Speed hands down. For some reason – well, ever since Miss Congeniality -- Sandy B. has done it for me. And with the bowl cut and pseudo-trailer-trash-bus-jock persona she shows us in Speed, she was reallllly able to display her true acting range in this screen gem. Plus, teamed with Mr. Reeves? That's what I call Magic Time! BTW, is it irony that my two Friday finalist flicks starred Mr. Reeve and Mr. Reeves?

An acquaintance of mine – let’s call him Dominic cuz, to be honest, that’s his name – told me he watches Strictly Dancing every Friday night. Well, I finally watched it for the first time tonight as I was pondering the Speed vs. Superdude question. All I can say is…..it just can't hold a candle to Dancing With the Stars and the fabulous-ness of Pauline Hanson and those gorgeous flowing gowns she’s already shown us in the first 2 weeks. And with the delicious Justin Melvey using those glorious God-given hips of his, well that’s just gonna keep me turning in week after week. Along with nearly 2 million other people who are almost as lame as me.

But maybe I need to give some credit to Strictly Dancing. With the girth of the hips on some of those girls, I have no idea how those obviously-gay boys could get them off the ground for those death-defying lifts. And a judged named Jaime Jesus?! That's got entertainment value written all over it. You just can’t make this stuff up! Tonight was Semi-final #3, with only the winning couple moving to the Final in a couple of weeks’ time. I give SD a 7.4 out of 10, with points withheld for the total cheese factor of the hip hop and street funk sections. I saw it as verrrry tongue-in-cheek, but they seemed to actually believe that what they were doing was legit. Let's just say I wouldn't want to be anywhere near those boys if they ventured out to a club lookin' as woeful as they did. Puh-leeze! The commentators talked about street cred, but the only thing those boys were doing was proving they water their garden from the other side of the hose.

At least the host is head and shoulders above the atrocious Daryl Somers, the boys are young and obviously ready to jump to my side of the fence, and there’s the whole for-the-love-of-the-dance aspect that keeps it so innocent. I suspect, however, that tonight’s winners, Luda and Csaba (who is also featured on DWTS, by the by), aren’t in it just for their love of the craft. They’re a bit too polished, a bit too professional, and are clearly after the abundance of fame, glory and (I know, but please hold the laughter) credibility that winning SD would lend their careers. But on a sour note, Dominic claims our winner Csaba is a straight boy. How unfair of him to deprive the other 3 gayboys their chance at Finals glory! Quelle dommage : (

9:16 Speed update: The movie’s 45 minutes old and Sandy still hasn’t taken the wheel yet. Damn, I don’t remember it moving this freakin’ slow. When does Keanu get to save the day? At least Alan Ruck’s character is providing some humour : )

9:36 Speed update: Our boy Keanu has boarded the bus, Sandy's behind the wheel, and there's plenty of potential for hijinks coming up! And do I see some flirting happening? Oooooh, the sexual tension goes up a notch. With a Wildcat behind the wheel and a hunk ‘o burning love in the form of Keanu, what would you expect, huh?

9:57 Speed update: She’s jumping the gap, she’s jumping the gap! Don’t you think the director could have done a better job of filming the approach shots? As they’re (so we’re led to believe) climbing to 80mph, the scene is so clearly sped up that it’s embarrassing. They should have consulted my buddy Lorna as the continuity expert she so clearly is.

10:08 Speed update: Mmmmmm. Keanu’s removed a layer and is now down to his tight white t-shirt and bulletproof vest. Can ya just stand it?! Sandy’s circling the runways of LAX and keeping her cool admirably. Keanu’s under the bus dismantling the incendiary device and narrowly avoiding the crush of the bus’ wheels. High drama! Ooh, look at the throbbing vein on Keanu’s forehead.

OK, in case there was any debate, it’s now official: I’m such a loser. I’m considering a military cut like Keanu’s, I’m looking forward to watching The Parent Trap on TV this weekend, and I’ve lost all sense of reality unless it can be packaged and sold to the networks as an all-new, all-hit reality TV show.

10:27 Speed update: All the passengers are off except for Keanu and Sandy. The wheels have blown. Tragic consequences are seconds away now. But you know how the story ends, right? Well, the upcoming twist at the end throws you off-course a bit, but it’s all good in the end. Sparks fly and our happy couple are lookin’ like they’re ready for some post-trauma fornication. They’re safe, but will their sex be?

Time to wrap. Thus ends another fantastically fulfilling Friday for me. All guns firing for the weekend!