The love affair is over, Rove

Despite my efforts to love your performance, honey, you just weren't up to scratch. Maybe hosting the ARIA Awards isn't the best gig for you; maybe you were still reeling from the fire that destroyed your offices a couple of weeks ago. Either way, I was waiting for a knockout performance to silence your critics. You know, the undisputable Billy-Crystal-hosting-the-Oscars bravado that would cement your place in Australian-awards-show-hosting history and guarantee you these types of gigs for life.

You just couldn't do it, could ya? You just weren't funny. Well, time to face the consequences.

Sorry, tiger, you're no longer my TV husband. I've moved on. Grant Denyer, are you still available?