OMG, I'm her "fat" picture
My judgmental dear friend Number One keeps a picture of me and Mona Michaelson Saunders on her fridge. It was an incredibly thoughtful present that we gave Number One for her birthday. We thought, after all, that there's really nothing more personal that a picture of us (drinking beer at 9AM on the morning that I first moved to Australia) to adorn the front of her fridge.
Unfortunately, Number One spilled the beans last night. She told me that the picture stays there to serve a purpose other than just improving the outlook in her kitchen. Nope, Number One told me that our picture helps settle her fears whenever she opens the door and reaches for the white wine. (Often it's a Verdelho, perhaps a Semillon, or could even be a Sav Blanc. But never ever a Chardonnay!) So, what fears could she have? Reaching for wine should be a wonderful, joyous expereince, after all.
Uh oh. I could sense this was going to be something big.
Her: You know, if I ever worry that I may be drinking too much...
Me (hesitating): Um....ya.
Her: I just look at the picture of you and Mona and realize that I'll NEVER drink as much as you guys!!
Peels of laughter on both ends of the phone.
Her: Well, you know....it's kinda like having a fat picture on the fridge!
Stunned silence. No, make that shock, disbelief and denial. And then peels of laughter.
There you have it: I'm Number One's fat picture.
I suppose I can handle being someone's fat picture. More accurately, I'm actually flattered to be someone's at-least-I'll-never-drink-as-much-as-them picture. But at least I knew that Footloose was released in 1984 and not 1982. And Number One owes me a Long Island Iced Tea for that one! So I guess the drunk gets the last laugh after all!
Number One, if you're reading this (which you better be, cuz I'm sending you the link!!), you're one of the most amazing and caring people in my life. I don't care what your other friends say, I don't think you're judgmental overbearing opinionated consumed with being right all the time a drunk.
conceived, scrawled, heavily edited, carefully reconsidered, left for a while to digest, edited once more, and then ultimately posted by: just call me jeff at
4:24 p.m.
4 Comments:
You forgot that I usually drink red wine. How am I to control my alcoholic tendencies with something that isn't kept in the 'fat picture adorned' fridge? Help! Number One
By
Anonymous, at 3:32 a.m.
Ok, so Footloose was released in 1984. Do you know who sang the hit song from the movie, "Let's Hear it For the Boy?"
By
Anonymous, at 1:19 p.m.
Don't go there with the master of all things trivial. You'll up with your hat handed to you!
By
Unknown, at 1:35 p.m.
Number One: sorry for not helping you with your red wine dilemma. Maybe you just need more pictures of me everywhere else in your kitchen! Or maybe you're just a lush -- like me : )
Priscilla: don't even insult me with something so trivial : ) I love that boppy little ditty by Denise Williams!
Luscious Lorna: well put. Thanks for being my biggest fan!
By
just call me jeff, at 6:11 a.m.
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