Don't judge me because I shop at Target

A track meet, a gold medal, a satisfying performance. Check, check, and check! The Pan Pacific Masters Games was a fun experience, capped off by my gold medal and satisfying performance in high jump. I'm not normally preoccupied by placings and medals and the like, but I'm really happy with my result. Particularly, I'm happy with how I jumped, but winning was also nice. Yay me!

Great couple of days with the Brisbane Crew. One day at home. Flyin' to Canada for a much-anticipated holiday. Not sure if I can elaborate at this point -- just because I'm not sure what's going to happen, to be honest -- but I think I may be quitting my job (insert scary foreshadowing music here).

I'm incredibly lucky. I know that. But I'm not happy. That's the prime motivator for my (potentially) quitting my job and starting to work on the next chapter of my life. I'm not sure what form that chapter will take, but I'm starting to think long and hard about it. I'm too important not to be happy. The title of this blog, after all, is "life is large. why insist on living small?"

But what about the burning question: why am I not happy? It's so many things, actually. This may surprise a lot of people (and ruffle more than a few feathers), but I just don't like living in Sydney that much. Egad!! I can't believe I'm hearing myself say this, but Sydney isn't where I want to be. I know, I know, I can't believe it myself, but I've gotten to the point where my frustrations with this city range from my disgust with the plastic, pretentious, chemically-motivated gay scene.....to the Third-World-ish ineptitude of Cityrail.....to the lack of a recycling culture.....to the apparent need to be wanna-be Americans.....to the near-universal pursuit (my friends excepted, of course) of impression management and the need to live up to society-dictated standards of what's "important." *

These are just stupid, trivial examples of some things I find silly and annoying about Sydney. But I'm being absolutely honest when I say that a whole culmination of many things has made me realize I'd prefer to keep Sydney as my favourite vacation destination instead of my home. And on a related note, have I mentioned lately how much Vancouver rocks?! Anyone who says otherwise better put 'em up and be prepared to step in the ring and box get bitchslapped by me.

Anyways, off to Vancouver tomorrow. Can you say EXCITED?! And happy! At least for the next 2 weeks.

Fair warning: this is a very opinionated section that may offend Sydneysiders. Read on, but don't say I didn't warn ya!

* I need to expand on my rant a bit more.....so here goes. I find that waaaaaay too many Sydneysiders have this obsession with the way in which everyone perceives them. I know that we all care what others think, but there's a difference between that need for acceptance and being a slave to impression management. I believe that too many people end up being imprisoned by it and, ultimately, indebted to it: dressing in a certain way (can you say extremely tragic fashion victims?!); going to the latest trendy way-too-pretentious places; drinking mortgage-your-house cocktails; placing way too much emphasis on superficial pursuits....it never stops. I know Sydney isn't the only place where this is the norm, but it just seems so rampant here than anywhere else I've been. People are way more concerned with being perceived in the "right" way than in being accepted for their integrity and character. I, by contrast, am of the opinion that integrity and character are fairly important, and would like to think that maybe others would want to hang out with me cuz I'm a down-to-earth fella, and despite the fact that I sometimes buy my clothes at Target (what can I say? Target is very cheap cost-effective. you definitely cannot call me a label queen!). Jeepers, I like hanging around a well-dressed person as much as the next guy, but in the end shouldn't it come down to more important things? I don't use the term "poser" lightly, but holy crap there are a lot of posers here! Being in a financial situation that hardly resembles my past devil-may-care approach to fiscal mismanagement, I can honestly say that my self-esteem and confidence have taken a huge tumble in the nearly-12-months that I've lived here. I can't afford expensive clothes anymore. I can't afford to go out for dinner anymore. I can't afford to sip $15 cocktails anymore (actually, I'm fundamentally opposed to $15 cocktails regardless of how much money I have). In short, I can't afford to spend tons of money on the things that Sydneysiders value, but that shouldn't mean I'm not as good as them. Never in my adult life have I ever questioned my judgment and motivation more than I do here in Sydney. I honestly feel that being subjected to these hordes of impression-enslaved people makes me more self-conscious than I've been in years. Normally, for example, I don't worry too much about what I wear. I always say I dress for myself and not for anyone else or according to anyone else's standards of what's trendiest thing on the runway this season. Sure, I take pride in my appearance and enjoy looking nice and well-kept and appropriate for the decade and all, but in Sydney I literally end up sweating it out as I wonder whether I should wear this t-shirt or that dress shirt, these jeans or those dress pants; and whether any of it will be the right thing. In the end, it usually doesn't matter, because I let these people make me feel inferior regardless of what I'm wearing and how I look. I mean, it's not like I'm a hunchback or a leper or anything, so where have my normal self-esteem and confidence gone and how could I have gotten to the point where they've been eroded by the posers? Clearly it's time to take a step back and realize it's not me who should suffer because of their need to be accepted for what label they wear and where they're spending their time posing. I'm better than that, but sometimes it just takes some reminding to help me realize it. OK, Jeff, consider yourself reminded. Now move on.

I did mention that I may ruffle some feathers with this post, didn't I? Fair warning all you Sydneysiders who may take offense to what I've written here. As I said, my friends aren't like this and surely if you, dear reader, are an enlightened Sydneysider and are reading this, I'm absolutely positive it doesn't apply to you. You're probably really cool.

Night night. Time for pleasant dreams of Canada.