Broken promises

My mind is a scary place intrigues me.

Do you ever have those flashbacks to certain places, situations, people, circumstances and whatnot? Oops, case in point. The word whatnot is one that Luscious Lorna can relate to, having been the favourite word of someone we both used to work for; a certain someone of whom I do a pretty damn good impression.

Aside: that reminds me, Luscious. I don't think I told you that Smith got married in September!! Can you believe our little boy is a husband now?!

See, there you have it -- a mind going in several different directions at the same time. But I digress, so let me get back on track.

As you can see -- a single word can trigger the strangest cache of memories for me. I'll hear myself say a certain word in my internal dialogue with myself -- yes, of course I talk to myself -- and suddenly a whole heap o' memories come flooding back. And I know I'm hardly the only one to whom that happens, but sometimes it just takes me off on this weird tangent that I feel reallllly compelled to blog about leads on a crooked-line journey to a thought that I'd repressed or totally forgotten about or hadn't even filed in the appropriate category just yet.

You see, categories are very important to me.

Nevertheless. Sometimes that repressed or forgotten thought can make me laugh out loud -- and I seriously mean it when I'm reminded about things having to do with Suzie and Luscious Lorna in particular -- or can make me cringe 'n cry. Sometimes I really have to take a second to allow myself to stop and think about how things have turned out, given a certain set of circumstances. A recent friend on tour said that I "think too much." Very possibly, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Still, consider this.

Meeting and then seriously avoiding Tall Guy from Germany the other day reminded me of a an ex-friend of mine. Someone who's also German and who used to play a big, albeit brief (only 13 months in total), role in my life. We had a great friendship, followed by a fairly intense (but brief) romance, followed by a different friendship, followed by a falling out, followed by a forced-to-hang-out-together-due-to-circumstances situation. The Embezzler was/is a charming man, someone who can make you fall head over heels in like, in love, or in some combination thereof. It took me quite a while to come up with the best way to encapsulate our relationship/friendship after it totally disintegrated, but the best way I can describe him is a user of people and situations. Trust me, it took a loooong time to categorize him after it all fell apart, and finding the right category is not something that I take lightly. I put an awful lot of thought into it -- part of my whole review-and-revise-for-next-time thang. But a user of people and situations is a perfectly appropriate category for the Embezzler. I'll leave that thought as-is for now. But for some reason that comes with the weird-ass steet trap of a mind I've been blessed with I've thought about the Embezzler often over the past little while.

• November marked 3 years since we traveled as part of a contingent of teammates to the Gay Games in Sydney, and I'm a sucker at remembering dates. And so I thought about him.
• I recently received an e-mail from someone inquiring about his whereabouts (I haven't had any contact with him since November 2002, in case you're wondering). And so I thought about him.
• A few days ago I was remembering my trip to NYC with Suzie and the Embezzler in September 2002 for the US Open, among other things. And so I thought about him.
• Also a few days ago, I was reading some figure skating statistics -- yes, I am that gay -- and I saw something that reminded me of the Embezzler. And so I thought about him.
• The other day I met and avoided Tall Guy from Germany, whose friends were from Munich, Embezzler's home town. And so I thought about him.
• Yesterday I was reading tons of coverage of Winter Olympic sports to get primed and ready for Torino 2006, and I remembered Bean's Valentine's Day Party during Salt Lake City 2002. And so I thought about him.
• I was just a few minutes ago typing a word and talking to myself when I used the accent that he used to use when saying that particular word. And so I thought about him.

A flood of memories came whizzing back that led me to think about people like Suzie, Blossom, Tape Girl, Number One, Embezzler's ex, Fi Fi Trixiebelle, Elizabeth Taylor (no, I don't personally know her, but there's another word that the Embezzler says that always makes me think of La Liz), Frau Schmidt (the Housekeeper from Sound of Music -- don't ask!), my sisters J. and S., and even Miss Singapore Smile. So many great people wrapped around this legacy of a person whose memory now makes my skin crawl. Such good with such bad.

I thought back to when Suzie and I embarked on our fairytale friendship with the Embezzler. I thought back to road trips to Seattle with the Embezzler. I thought back to he and I holding hands in the dark. I thought back to the thrill of winning free plane tickets at a fundraising event. I thought back to people talking about us in revered whispers. I thought back to a particular shirt he liked to see me wear and wanted to rip off me. I thought back to carefree times that never wanted to end. Jeepers, I even thought back to the colour purple, for some strange reason.

I thought back to a whole litany of words that spring to mind when I remember the Embezzler. Words that make me laugh still to this day. Words that prompt me to post blog entries. Words and phrases like (bear with me for just a moment here) "Nevertheless, new ones have been ordered...", "Gladiator!", "Bless", "They should just go home and practice", and "He's gaaaay!"

And then I thought back to a time when I was in a foreign country and relying on promises made to me by the Embezzler. Promises upon which I had based holiday plans, and to which I had looked forward for months. Promises that weren't kept. Promises that were broken without the courtesy of consulting me. Promises that were broken with a mere in-passing comment about "going to Ulm." Promises that were broken without any regard to how I'd feel. Broken promises that simply left me to my own devices without any consideration of the fact that I hadn't made any alternate arrangements. Broken promises that left me feeling alone and abandoned. Broken promises that made me feel more unwanted than at any point in memory. Broken promises that helped me see the Embezzler's true character: a user of people and situations. Extremely self-serving. In it for himself. Dismissive. Despite initial impressions, does not work well with others.

I wonder what the Embezzler is doing now. And I'd kinda like to run into him to make extra damn sure he knows that I'm doing extremely well, thank you very much. It's not always about revenge, but in this case I'm willing to stoop to that level.

I still do really think that my mind is a frightfully scary tool at times wonderful thing. Even when it focuses on being better off than the Embezzler.

God knows I'm a petty person. I never said I wasn't.