I want cake, not crying!!

I’m kinda dreading my birthday this year. You see, two years ago on my birthday I told a boy I loved him for the first time. He told me he loved me back. It was all good. Now, just thinking about it just brings back a flood of memories, highlighted by feelings of “what if” and “I wish.” And all I want for my birthday is to forget about it instead of crying about it.

I try to live my life so that I can avoid having regrets and wondering “what if.” It’s all about living large and not settling for a small existence – as in the whole basis for this blog (reference: the title of the blog), and my guiding philosophy in life. In this case, I don’t necessarily have regrets about how we ended, cuz we made a decision based on the best information we had at-hand. And all you can ever do is make a decision based on what you’ve got to work with.

But I sure do wonder “what if” things had been just a bit different, and “I wish” I'd known then what I know now. No mind, for he’s in a relationship now and it seems healthy and happy. And without a doubt, I really only want him to be happy. At the same time, I do get sad for what might have been with him and me. And being here reminds me of it far too often. Like, way more often than it should. Oh, and don’t get me started on the fact that I’m still chronically single and painfully tormented by it. Like I don’t think about that each and every pathetic day.

I hope I don't remember this anniversary of sorts on my birthday, but I know I will. One of the problems when you have a memory for dates and significant events like I do is literally not being able to let go of stuff. All kinds of stuff you’d just kill to forget. Maybe next year I won’t remember. Ya. Right. Like I'm gonna hold my breath on that one.

Next day addendum: OK, I wrote the above notation last night when I was a bit depressed. Forgive me for putting a damper on the light, happy-go-lucky atmosphere I've tried so desperately to create with my blog :) Reality: I still struggle with being single (duh, obviously, as evidenced by the above), and I wonder when I'll find someone. Rationale: I firmly believe that everything happens in its own time and for its own reasons. I know that all will unfold as it should. It better, damnit -- I'm puttin' my faith in fate.

As for trying to forget about the whole "I love you" thing on my birthday, I suppose I don't really want to forget. I'm a suck. Why would I want to forget something that was so brilliant at the time? At least I got the opportunity to say it to a boy once in my life. That may have to last me a while, if fate keeps draggin' its sorry ass in making something happen!