Is a drunken night out on the town a legitimate business expense?

I paid my taxes online today. Well -- to clarify -- I deposited into government coffers an overestimate of what I owe in order to satisfy the April 30 remittance deadline. They got some of my hard-earned money, and I'll have to file my actual return a bit later wunnatheesdayz. Unfortunately, I seem to have left a whole envelope of receipts in my other suitcase in Sydney, and I need them to calculate just how many bogus business expenses I can claim, having been self-employed last year. That is, if you can call my brief Sydney-based, part-time stint with my former employer truly "employed."

Normally I'm very anally organized, but when it comes to taxes, there's this wait-until-the-last-minute thing with me, and I end up reeling, wondering where the hell I've put all those receipts that I've dutifully kept in hopes of legitimizing the corresponding expenses in some way, shape, or form. Turns out some of my required receipts and institution-issued super-duper important documents are in Sydney, while others are in Canada. But on the bright side, my money is with the government to fund questionable social programs, I'll file later, and it'll all be fine.

And to take a 180-degree turn....do you smell that?! It's the smell of a crisp Autumn day after enjoying Melbourne's hottest April on record. But it's mixed with the distinct smell of diesel, as the heavy machinery moves on-site, primed to disassembe our tent city and say goodbye to this beautiful city.

We bid adieu to our final guests on Sunday evening, and start dismantling everything about 30 seconds later. And I mean it. Ev. Ree. Thing! In fact, we start taking stuff down while those guests are still watching the second half of the show, so that we can engage the heavy machines as soon as they're out the gate.

And, if I'm lucky, I'll get to put my new forklift driving skills to good use!

Say it! Say it, goddamnit!"Hi, how are you?!"

It's not hard. In fact, there are a few simple steps to follow. It's child's play, really, and I don't think I'm asking too much.

• when I walk into your shop, acknowledge me
• smile and look alive interested
• even though I was just in your shop a few short days ago...you don't necessarily have to recognize me personally, cuz I understand that you see a lot of people every day
• all I ask is that you simply recognize me as a customer who may spend money (or has already, in this case) -- I implore you, please recognize my propensity to spend!!
• don't stand there blankly, saying nothing
• when I, the customer, take the customer service role and says, "Hi, how are you?" all you have to do is smile and take the cue
• don't continue to stand there as if you're in a catatonic state -- SAY HELLO AND SMILE, GODDAMNIT!
• but, at the very least, when I say that I was in a couple of days ago and left a pair of black pants to be hemmed....clue in and say something like, "Sure, let me just look for them" or "Not a problem, sir, what was your name again?" or even "I'm sorry, I don't remember. But if you give me a second..."
• don't look as if you've never, ever had anybody come in to pick up their pants before and that I (still the customer) am realllly putting you out by asking you this HUGE favour
• in short, don't make me feel uncomfortable, as if I'm interrupting your day because you have better things to do than accept my money that will possibly keep your small, pathetic business afloat
• and when I walk out the door and say to you, "Thanks! Have a nice day now!" it would kinda be nice if you actually, again, clued in and said something back that shows how you appreciate my patronage, instead of being a complete tool so quiet

It's not hard. But I guess I'm just asking too much. What is it with this fucking customer service-forsaken country?

I'm so glad I work with people who know what customer service is.

Booze Bag: the tribute

I had a great visit with my friend Booze Bag last night. She picked me up on Chapel Street and we went to St. Kilda. I wanted to check it out because I hadn't really spent any time there and wanted to take it in before leaving this gorgeous city.

In the couple of hours that we spent together, I was reminded once again how lucky I am to have friends like her. We've known each other for 11-1/2 years now, and we're totally different people now than back then. But some things never change: Booze Bag is one of the kindest, most caring, compassionate people I know. Despite the name (born of a life spent in many a bar in Whistler back in the old days), Booze Bag is a responsible mother now, and I bet her daughter turns into just as amazing a person as Booze Bag and her husband are.

We spoke last night, among other things, about the importance of family in our lives. Her cousin (who is like a sister) has just moved overseas and Booze Bag is going to miss her terribly, but understands the reasons for her moving. We talked about living far away from family, about how grandparents enjoy their time with grandkids on a different level than time spent rearing their own children, and about Booze Bag being remarkably close to her siblings growing up.

During my time living in Australia, I've had a lifeline available to me: my sisters in Brisbane. And I'm starting to realize that I won't have them as close to me in the future as I have over the past 17 months. This thought has struck me, quite literally, only in the past few minutes since starting this post. And that's one of the reasons that I like blogging: because it makes me think about stuff that I might not normally consider.

The fact that I won't as close to my sisters doesn't sit that well with me, to be honest. But I need to give that some more thought and try to put some concrete "stuff" around it before I get too wrapped up in it. But the real reason I started this post was to talk a bit about Booze Bag and how great she is, so let's get to it.

I came out of the closet on March 17, 1997 (again, you'll notice my ridiculous admirable capacity for remembering dates) to my cousin. It took a further two months to be able to grab the courage to start telling my friends in Whistler. But when I finally decided to get it done, I wanted to tell my closest friends first and foremost. The ones who meant the most to me and were my Whistler family. Booze Bag was one of the six people I put on my "Coming Out List."

I asked Booze Bag to have a bite to eat at Citta's in the Village. Many an evening had been spent partying on that perfectly-positioned patio, and it was always the easiest place to meet a friend for a drink and a visit. I'm sure we had a beer, and probably ordered one of the usuals: the seven-layer dip or nachos. And when it came time to tell Booze Bag, I think I scared her. I got a bit emotional and didn't do a great job of getting the words out but, eventually, I blurted out the fact that I was gay, and took a deep breath. And, not surprisingly, Booze Bag was awesome. Like the caring, amazing person she is, Booze Bag got up out of her chair, came over to my side of the table, and gave me a big hug filled with plenty of love, understanding and compassion. And she reminded me why I thought so highly of her back then, and continue to think so highly of her to this day.

I've seen Booze Bag grow from a pretty 22-year-old kid (was she really that young when we first met?!) into a beautiful woman. She's a wife and mother now, but still loves the occasional splash of red wine, the occasional night out (most recently to see the circus!), the occasional foray to see DJ SJ McFunk, and the occasional attempt at setting me up (too bad he never called). And she's still an awesome friend who holds a very special place in my heart.

I told Booze Bag that I realized long ago that I obtain my riches in life through the people I meet and the places that I'm lucky enough to visit. It doesn't get much better than St. Kilda on a quiet Monday night with Booze Bag. She's absolutely the best!

PS: Have I told you about the time when Booze Bag and her friend Blonde Girl stole a car? Maybe I'll tell that story one of these days, because it's still one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed/been a part of.

Taxes schmaxes

I need to do my taxes today, seeing as how the tax deadline (for Canadians, anyway) is April 30. So what am I doing? Surfing track and field news sites, reading the newspaper, eating muffins, gluggling Diet Coke, watching the news, and writing on my blog. I'm pathetic.

I'll get to it soon, but first I'm reliving a fun weekend. I had a great visit with Mona Michaelson-Saunders, including some shopping on Bridge Road. I swear I didn't go with the intention of buying anything myself, but when you see a good bargain...ya gotta take the opportunity. Call me an opportunist : ) What else happened? We went to a great party on Sunday night with tons of other circus freaks, we caught up on the latest adventures in our lives, and we speculated about future paths. I think Mona's on the verge of making some very cool life decisions in the next 12 months, so I'm very excited for her.

Some people might think that Mona is a lucky woman to be able to chase her dreams. Luck and good fortune play a part, no doubt. After all, both she and I are incredibly fortunate to be in a position to have choices available to us. But it's not just about luck -- it's also waaaay about having the courage and fortitude to take a chance, follow your dreams, and make things happen.

On February 12, 1992 I started a new job with a company that turned into a near-12-year adventure. On that day, Day Number One, I was talking to my new boss Alicia about the fact that I had packed up my life in my car, took a chance, and moved out to Whistler. I was very stoked to be working for (at the time) Blackcomb, and told her that I'd been very lucky that things seemed to have worked out.

I can remember it clearly. Alicia leaned back, looked me up and down, smiled, looked me straight in the eye, and said something I've never, ever forgotten. A few simple words have shaped my life and my decision-making ever since then:

"I have a feeling that you're the kind of person who creates their own luck."

It was weird hearing that from someone I'd known for all of 10 seconds. But it was the first time I remember anyone other than my family showing such belief in me. The first time I remember anyone validating me as an adult, saying that my taking a huge risk and succeeding wasn't just about luck, but about my abilities to make things happen. My career had been a bit direction-less to that point, but I had embarked on a journey that changed my career and shaped my life profoundly. And it took Alicia's comments to help me realize that I was the contributor to my success. Sometimes you're so focused on just getting it done, making it happen -- whatever it happens to be at the time -- that you don't realize in the end everything that you've accomplished. And when someone points it out to you.....well holy validation, Batman! Did I do all that? Damn straight I did!

One of the reasons that Mona and I get along so well is that she's the kind of person who creates her own luck. I love that about her, and I'm excited about where her belief and commitment will take her.

How butch smart am I?!

As I write this, Mona Michaelson-Saunders is watching the show from the extremely close vantage point of the technical booth. Jeepers! I haven't even seen the show from that privileged position. In fact, I'd loooo0ve to be that close to some of the artists in their skimpy/tight lycra uniforms : )

I passed my forklift exam yesterday! In fact, I got 100% and proved how butch smart I am. Yup, I rock.

Well bust my buttons!

Today I had lunch with a friend in Ashburton, and she treated! I went to Ikea to pick up some picture frames that I'll fill with pics of my Melbourne temp staff and give to them as souvenirs of their circus employment experience. I got some new pictures taken so that I can apply for my new passport. I picked up Subway for dinner. And I watched Lost and got pulled even deeper into the mystery of that damn island.

Mona Michaelson-Sanders arrives tomorrow. And I'm busting my buttons : )

Beep, beep, beep

You know that "Beep, beep, beep" sound that you hear when heavy machinery or 18-wheelers or garbage trucks back up? Well, I'm intimately familiar with it now that I'm so butch and tradesman-like adept at operating a forklift truck.

Yup, I'm learning to drive a forklift as a requirement of my job. Had my lesson last Friday, and I take my exam in a couple of days. I was an obstacle course whiz, and my stacking and unstacking skills were damn good for a total rookie. I was lifting and moving pallets like crazy, including some reallllly big motherfuckers that could have crushed me if I decided to recklessly raise and tilt my load to show off!

In fact, you'd be impressed with my skill -- lining up my target, skillfully and confidently moving forward, lining up with the right hole(s), inserting, raising my load, doing the deed, and unloading. I'm a natural.

Will the acquisition of new skills ever end?!

Lions and tigers and bears?Travel and tasting and air miles!Oh my!!

I'm finished work for the day, I have tomorrow off, and am meeting a friend for lunch and a catch-up. Yay!

Our troupe is on the move very soon. Off to Adelaide on May 3, where we open on May 12 and get to perform for an entirely new city of people. Then Perth, Singapore and Hong Kong are on the agenda, followed by....we're not exactly sure. There are some exciting destinations in the works, but details are being finalized as we speak and we'll know in the next little while. While I can't divulge anything just yet, I'll keep ya posted.

Oh, and speaking of Singapore and Hong Kong...have I mentioned that I have to go to both cities to taste food?! You read that correctly -- I have to go on a tasting trip to sample menu items and finalize the selections with our caterers. Travel, food, and the opportunity to collect air miles: three of my loves.

Does it get any better?! I've nearly achieved my life goal of becoming a travel journalist! Cuz you know I'll be writing about my tasting trip : )

Scary Jill moving to Fruit Loops?!

Last night, I dreamed that I was playing badminton in the ocean with a tennis racquet. I couldn't see very well out of my left eye, which made backhands pretty difficult. I was playing with Brad Denison, a guy I last worked with in 1991.

I also dreamed that someone kept complimenting me on the colour of my highlights. Hmmmm, I don't have highlights...unless you count the natural auburn highlights that have resurfaced in my dark mane on account of all the sunny weather we've had in the Down Under Autumn.

Then I dreamed that my friend Scary Jill was moving to Kamloops, or somewhere else in the BC interior. I flew back to Vancouver for her farewell party. Good party!

Weird. But at least I slept through the night for the very first time since getting to Melbourne 4-1/2 weeks ago. I feel refreshed and rarin' to go for the first morning in a loooong time. Too bad work has been such a circus lately : )

5 weeks today

I've been in the new job 5 weeks today. Can it be true?! No matter, cuz things are going well and I'm really enjoying things so far. I even wrote a piece for our troupe newsletter about my first experiences with the circus, so that should be published sometime soon.

We've got perfect autumn weather in Melbourne. But I'm not fooled -- it's gonna get darn cold any day now, and I have to get prepared. I went shopping for a sweatshirt/sweater/jumper yesterday in anticipation of the inevitable plunge in temperatures, but haven't bought anything yet. I'll keep trolling Chapel Street, Bridge Road, and a couple of other selected choice spots to see what's out there with my name on it.

Only 2 weeks left in Melbourne until we head to Adelaide. And I haven't yet seen some of my friends who live here. But I did run into a guy from Whistler whom I haven't seen in (can it be?) about 7 years. I keep updated on his activities through mutual friends -- including the birth of his first child in August -- but hadn't seen him in ages. So to have him show up at the circus site last week was pretty surreal, and it took me a few seconds to realize who the hell he was. Turns out his company is our sign supplier. Small world!

Mona Michaelson-Saunders is in town this weekend. It could be a fun few days for the liver : )

Laughin' all the way to the tram

The other day, I had to get a physical exam and chest x-ray as a formality for my Australian visa. Apparently they need to ensure that I'm relatively healthy and won't be a burden on the Aussie health system for the whopping few remaining months that I'm here Down Under. Anyways...I presented myself to reception and the nice lady there said, "Just take a seat and we'll call you when we're ready for you, Possum."

Hold on! Double take. Did I hear her correctly?!

When my name was called, I did the drill -- inappropriate touching by a doctor (Russian-born, he seemed more interested in talking hockey than feeling me up); chest x-ray (apparently my chest is bigger than normal, so they needed to take two separate x-rays to cover my massive expanse); blood pressure (a perfect score, thank you) -- and seemed to be given a clean bill of health. And then I went past reception on my way out...

...and she called me Possum again.

And I knew I was in the land of Dame Edna. And, of course, thought of my dear friend Suzie, who does a mean Dame impression.

I laughed all the way to the tram.

Oh, and happy birthday Mom!

I love you tons! But why didn't you call me back when we got cut off the other day? I told you I didn't have any overseas credit left, so if we got cut off that you'd need to call me back.

I waited and waited. Then I watched TV. And then I went back to waiting again. Then I had a shower. Still no sign that you'd called. No message. Nothing! And then I had lunch. But still I kept expecting you to call back and say that you had trouble figuring out the overseas dialing sequence again. But nope. I was left out in the cold. Clearly you don't love me like you used to : (

But happy birthday anyways. I still love ya.

"I'll take dirty little secretsfor $400 please, Alex"

Has it really been that long since my last post? Sorry, fans, if I've kept you in the dark. Here's the latest and greatest from my life.

Well, I'm certainly back to feeling like I'm living life large again. I have to admit that I'm having so freakin' much fun, but I'm wondering when my boss and her boss will come into my office unannounced, sit me down, look at me intently and spill the beans. I can hear it now:

Boss: "Jeff, it's been 4 weeks since you joined us. We're really happy with the job you've done so far. You seem to be fitting in really well, and have a keen sense of what we value in this organization. Well done on a great start!"

Boss' boss: "Ya, Jeff, I echo everything that insert Boss' name here has said. I've heard nothing but really positive reviews from everyone so far."

Boss: "Yup! I think we've made the right choice in hiring you for this job, and I'm really excited about the potential for improvement in the product over the next few months. I think you'll be able to really help us look at things with an outside perspective."

Boss' boss: "But we just wanted to talk to you about a special project that we'd like you to focus on in the next two weeks or so. It may take a bit longer that that, but with any luck you'll be able to get it done pretty quickly, we think."

Boss: "It's pretty easy, really. All you need to do is kidnap the Prime Minister's son/hijack a train/spread the Asian Bird Flu to the North American continent/start a new faction of our cult/smuggle illicit drugs to Singapore/unseat a Third World militaristic junta puppet government/wrestle a great white shark/have sex with Cloris Leachman."

Seriously!! I keep waiting to be let in on the dirty little secret, the sad truth, the ugly reality. I'm not sure what it's gonna turn out to be, but I'm pretty sure it will be something from the list above. In fact, my money's on having to start a new faction of the cult. Heck, I must have joined a cult -- after all, how could everything with this job be so fun, be such a fit, be so damn great?! There have GOT to be strings attached.

I hope I'm wrong, but I still think they've recruited me for this perfect job without telling me the whole truth. But what, pray tell, is the nasty truth going to look like? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. But is it possible that it won't happen? Is it possible that this really isn't too good to be true? Is it possible that I've just found something really incredibly wicked?

All I know is that I love my job, and I'm freakin' blessed to have been presented with this opportunity. And I'm not taking it for granted. At all. I always say that everything happens for a reason. Amen, sistah! And if that dirty little secret is lurking somewhere, waiting to be sprung on me....I just hope it doesn't involve sex with Cloris Leachman!!