I make your paycheque possible

According to Ten, it's:

"An unmissable new episode of The OC"

"An emotional opisode of The OC that you won't want to miss."

Eat me.

Celebrity sighting #8: the luscious Matt Shirvington. Great everything. Fun, friendly, fit. What else needs to be said?

What is the deal with the customer-service-forsaken country? Surely I'm not the only one to notice the lack of basic manners in service industry employees, not to mention the complete absence of any kind of in-depth customer service skills. At this point, I'd welcome anything resembling basic decorum. How many times do I have to spend my money in a store, but feel guilty for making the shop attendant pick their feet off the counter and avert their eyes from the TV screen/book they're reading/nothing in particular? Forget about feeling welcomed as a client to their business; forget about feeling like I'm valued; forget about feeling that I might want to actually be greeted with a smile and a friendly attitude; forget about feeling like I might want to hear a cheery, "That will be $4.90 please" instead of a mumbled-and-virtually-incomprehensible "forniney". Forget about all of it, because I now know that I probably ain't gonna get it.

I swear, the next time I have to say, "Have a nice day" to a service industry employeee instead of suffering through the empty space at which point I would expect them to say it to me, I may just lose it. Please remember I'm the client. I make your paycheque possible. And the reality is that I'll likely never return to your place of business again.

Thank you. The end.

"God be with you"

Another exciting episode of The Amazing Race has concluded. Not surprisingly, it included these gem quotes from our favourite* Christian team, Charla and Mirna (aka Mirna and Schmirna).

* Of course, by favourite team, I mean the team we love to mock repeatedly and mercilessly. Why else would I watch, but for the mockery value?

"They're god-fearing people like us." You're morons. Please don't bring the Christians down to your level.

"Hurry up, we're in a race!" Duh! Good thing Mirna keeps telling her midget cousin to hurry her slow-ass self, cuz it's not abundantly clear there's a freakin' race on the line.

"Now we're lost because we trusted someone." I'm sorry, ladies, but you're lost because you're idiots. Trust me on that. But don't blame me when you get lost.

"Brandon and Nikki broke our trust." Nope. Brandon and Nikki broke their backs trying to get their Christian asses away from you.

"If you give these people a chance, they'll squash you like a bug." Actually, if you give these people a chance, they'll squash you like a midget.

"The people we deal with are disgusting." As are the people they deal with. Yes, that's right ladies, I specially mean the two of you. Wise up!

"I just got electrocuted!" And you're still talking? Clearly, we need to increase the voltage : (

"God be with you." Translation: Charla, don't fuck this up!

Those two kill me, I tell ya. Entertainment value for days! But let's not forget one other stand-out quote from the better half of the show's near-geriatric couple, Joyce: "Bob and I feel you don't have to be physically fit to win this race." Maybe not, Joycie baby, but don't be surprised when your asses get kicked each and every time a physical challenge rears its ugly head. Luckily the fat brothers, Blob #1 and Blob #2, are less fit and even more cerebrally challenged than you and Bob.

Remember, tune in next Thursday at 8:30pm for the next exciting installment! I know I wouldn't miss it for all the M&M's in Australia the world.

Well, it's hardly Melrose

This just in: you can now buy the soundtrack to The OC!

Remember when Ten was first advertising The OC a few months ago? I believe we were treated to teasers that went something like this:

"From the network that brought you 90210, Melrose Place, Dawson's Creek and Buffy. The show that critics regard as groundbreaking television. The most talked-about show in America comes home to where it belongs -- Ten."

Now I freely admit that I watched both Melrose and 90210, but -- puh-leeze!! -- only as the cornerstone excuse for Monday nights spent with friends drinking Long Island Iced Teas and playing the 90210 drinking game! Comparing any show -- much less drivel like The OC -- to these two Aaron Spelling epics is like saying, "Here's yet another mediocre show featuring unrelentingly gorgeous actors playing characters an average of 10 years younger than their age, in an unhealthy representation of high school learning disabilities, sexual dalliance, teen angst, obligatory drug dependency, rampant plastic surgery and the odd teacher-student affair. Let's package this schlock with B-grade actors and push it on overseas viewers as the gospel according to desperate network executives."

Jeepers, why can't Ten executives be truthful and say, "We realize that we're grasping at straws here, but our overpaid American counterparts sold us this crap and they tell us it'll work here cuz it's all about beautiful people in completely unrealistic living situations. We just hope they're right and that you -- the Australian viewing public -- are dim enough to think that this represents typical American life. Please watch and help us beat 7 and 9!"

I suppose they've somehow gotta pay for extra hairpieces for good ol' Bert Newton, bless his campy little soul. Anyways, enough evangelizing for today. I must get ready to watch (ironically) an American TV show : )

I'm not a bad man. I'm just a lame-ass weak. What do you expect?! They're finally down to the last few episodes of Friends here, and I've followed those damn characters for 10 freakin' years -- even through the unfunny seasons. I'm not abandoning them so close to the end!

Oh, and don't forget The OC is on Ten Tuesdays at 8:30. I know, I know, it conflicts with the soon-to-be-must-see-TV Dancing With The Stars, but that's what VCRs are for. Just don't tell my sister's niece Felicity that I watch The OC. She would totally rake me over the coals for it...

Dicko says: even gay menwant to see a real man

Random Sunday night musings:

• Seems as though The Poo has done the unthinkable and dumped Our Delta, reportedly because he was bored. Bored?! Spare me! What's worse, he left her for that skank. Obviously there's no accounting for taste. May God have mercy on him when he next sets foot in Oz, cuz his love-hate relationship with the Australian public just took an unrecoverable turn for the worst. (Editor's note: can you imagine how much courage Delta's gonna have to summon every time she sings "Out of the Blue" now? Luckily, she's a courageous girl, and is better off to be "Out of the Poo" and free to find a relationship with an adult.)
• On a (related) note: tennis love-couple Clijsters and Hewitt have broken up. Actually, that's not telling the whole story, because apparently L'il Lley-Lley was caught completely off-guard by the out-of-the-blue phone call. Reports indicate that Kimmy just couldn't take Lleyton's meddling mother any longer. I hope those crazy kids can patch things up and get on with their February wedding as planned, cuz I still wanna see 'em played mixed together!
• On tonight's Australian Idol, Dicko told Anthony -- yet again -- that he needs to be more masculine. Guessing (correctly) that some of his fan base includes gay men, he said (again correctly) that even gay men want to see a real man. Good on ya for gettin' it right, Dicko!
• Indulge me in a short burst of melodrama here. Say you take the time to send a heartfelt thank you e-mail expressing some very genuine gratitude to someone. You'd like this person to continue to play a role in your life as a treasured friend. And then say that you don't get any kind of response back from them. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. How does that make you feel? I mean, it's not like we didn't have a relationship or anything. I'm not naive enough to assume that we'd be hangin'-out-all-the-time, talkin'-on-the-phone-daily best buddies or anything, but still... I guess I thought I was worth more than that, but evidently I was sadly mistaken. At least I know where I stand now and won't make false assumptions about having a friendship to worry about. That hurts.
• And my tooth hurts, too. Good thing I get to see my dentist when I go home. I hope I can wait 'til my appointment on Nov. 22.
• Ironic. That's the word that comes to mind thinking about Campbell's parting speech on Thursday's Playing It Straight. I'm glad he said his piece about going on the show to disprove misconceptions and to show that gay men are no different from straight men, but there's something he didn't take into account. He didn't realize that he represented gay men as scheming, deceptive and dishonest -- skills, I suppose, we learn through years spent in the closet, hiding who we really are. Although I'm glad he said something about dispelling preconceived notions and the like, it was drippingd with irony. Oh well, I'm sure I'm the only one of Channel 7's loyal viewers who actually saw Campbell's monologue, after suffering through the humiliation of having PIS taken off the air last week, then moved to no-man's-land (Thu. 11:30PM) this past week.
• And speaking of being the only one...I'm pretty damn sure that I'm the only person who finds humour in the Telstra mobile Australian Idol-themed commercials starring "Jen" and "Rachel". Well, there may be some 13-year-old girls who like them, but I fear that they may be in denial and not recognize the irony that these ads actually chronicle their own pathetic wrapped-up-in-Australian-Idol-and-desperate-to-know-whether-Casey-or-Anthony's-gonna-win existence. And how about that bitch Jen?! She's the fat, overbearing one who totally wears the pants in that friendship, playing on Rachel's insecurities and lack of self-esteem. Oh God, insecurities and lack of self-esteem?! No! No! High School flashback!
• Last night (after refusing to watch Gladiator) I went to Palms again for some hot, sweaty dancin' and romancin'. Again, the classics were blaring, the crowd was pumped (and, luckily, a bit better looking than last week), and my moves were on display for the masses. Luckily I consulted my Bargoing Code of Conduct prior to take-off, and refrained from (most of) the banned behaviour. Yes (I admit sheepishly), I was in direct violation of rule #19 : ) Damn, I hate that. Kinda.
• In an earlier post, I referred to celebrity sighting #7 (Mark Hodge of Dancing With the Stars). As a public service, here are my previous celebrity sightings of the past couple of months, in chronological order: (1) Beautiful Ben Unwin from TV's Home and Away, who was my running partner one particularly fine Saturday morning with the Frontrunners; (2) ARIA winner and Dissociative Paul Mac, who I had the pleasure of serving munchies to at a rooftop patio housewarming party in Bondi; (3) the aforementioned Campbell from PIS, who I saw training a client at Rushcutters Bay Park and snacking at the Elizabeth Bay Café; (4) also from PIS, James, as he queued to get into The Colombian on the Monday after Labour Day; (5) Glenn, yet another PIS alumnus, at Palms last Saturday; (6) The stunning Andrew "Joey" Johns of NRL superstar status, wearing a sharp suit and talking on his mobile at the corner of EBay Road and Roslyn Gardens. All suitably fine specimens of manhood, yes, but Beautiful Ben has to take the cake: nice, friendly, obviously committed to fitness, verrrry handsome, and arms to get lost in. I have to admit that I started watching Home and Away after I met him : )
• This is so pathetic, and truly illustrates how TV-dependent I can sometimes be, but....I miss watching Will and Grace (just hasn't been on at all since I've been here) and the second season of Six Feet Under (I refuse to watch the third season that's airing here until I can have a chronological progression by first seeing season #2). And this is certainly an I-can't-believe-I'm-complaining-about-this-again whine, but I'm also pissed it took so long to get the last episodes of Friends and Sex and the City (final episodes of which will probably be aired while I'm in Canada -- how ironic and pathetic). That having been said, I now feel much better. Thank you.
• Kylie's announced that she'll be touring Australia next year, starting in May sometime. If I miss out, I'll be some pissed!
• I wonder when Daylight Savings starts?

OK, the end.

Gay Membership revoked

Saturday night in Sydney.

Option #1: Watch Gladiator on TV.

Option #2: Do absolutely anything else.

I think it'll be the latter. Unlike so many gay men I know, I'm just not a big Russell fan...

Please don't take away my Gay Membership.

Head scratching moment #89

Why have my ice cube trays developed a recent affliction whereby they've become covered in an frost derivative that looks like white mould? Just wondering.

Head scratching moment #89: checking your wallet after a big night out and pulling out a business card (does anyone know a John Wall from Pyrmont?) that you have absolutely no recollection of ever receiving. Jeepers, was he cute?

Secret thing #712 that I shouldn't share but will anyway: I cried a wee bit when Delta sang at the ARIAs last Sunday.

Thing #163 that I thought of today that I hadn't thought of in a long time: tapioca pudding

Favourite phrase #14: exit strategy

New favourite show #104: Strictly Dancing

Recent atrocity #38: in the movie Wimbledon, the tennis sequences were absolutely laughable.

Celebrity sighting #7: Mark Hodge, the hottie who partnered Gabrielle Richens to an unfortunate and unexpected early exit in Dancing With the Stars. This guy is such a sweetie and was so nice to talk to, but most importantly he's got arms for days and an ass that won't quit. You can't really see too well on TV, but W-O-W!! What a beautiful man, and on my side of the fence : ) Definitely waaaay more attractive in person than how he comes across on TV.

Mmmmm! Arms and ass for days...

VDC

The Vanilla Diet Coke still sits, menacingly, on the fridge shelf. I tried to pawn it off on Barb last night, but no luck. Damn!

The Advocate

Editor's note: the majority of this post is fairly boring. Feel free to skip to the list at the end for some levity. Who am I kidding? As if anyone's even reading this crap anyway. No matter, it's empowering for me to pretend.

I swear that I’m the biggest advocate for Intrawest and Whistler Blackcomb, even after having been out of their employ for over a year now. But having spent 11+ years with the company (6+ of which were in Whistler), I know how much fun the work environment can be, how much you can learn and develop, and how you can truly carve a career path for yourself. Working in a ski resort is more than being a liftie – not that there’s anything wrong with being a liftie!

In my current job, a significant number of mid-20's often approach me with tips about how to obtain employment in Whistler. Typically they’re pimply-faced 20-year-olds who wear their jeans way below their underwear line, but regardless of their age or station in life, each one shows up with a twinkle in his eye and I get the feeling that they just know the whole world is at his feet.

For those of you who have done the whole Whistler thing, think back to the day when you first arrived at the resort and how exhilarating (and intimidating) it all seemed. Then remember how hard you worked, how little money you made, how much beer you drank, and how many Monday evenings you spent at Tommy Africa’s, getting nutty to the strains of John and John’s “The Grease Mega-mix,” Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man” and “ABC” by the Jackson Five. Ah, the glory days….

Anyways, as a public service announcement, I’ve posted this outline based on an e-mail I sent to someone seeking advice from me, the Whistler employment swami. In my opinion, here’s what someone needs to keep in mind if they’re heading down this path to getting a job in Whistler. If you're one of those people: look and learn!

If there's one thing I can help with, it's employment advice and information!! I worked for Whistler Blackcomb for 6+ years and had a total blast, plus I worked for the parent company (Intrawest) for another 5+years. I'm probably the biggest advocate of the company, so I always encourage anyone who's interested in trying it for themselves. Tell John that he'll have an awesome time!

There are a million places John could work in Whistler Resort: Whistler Blackcomb (the mountain), one of the many hotels, one of the many restaurants or bars, or one of the many retail/rental shops. The most fun (in my opinion) is working for Whistler Blackcomb, simply because they're the major employer in the resort. He'll meet tons of people and be treated extremely well -- great staff parties, free dual mountain ski pass, half-price on food, and other great benefits. He may even be able to get into staff accommodation, which is basically ski-in/ski-out housing on the side of the mountain. To clarify, Whistler and Blackcomb are the two mountains in Whistler Resort, but they're owned and operated jointly by Intrawest. Applying to work for Whistler Blackcomb means John could physically work at Whistler Mountain, Blackcomb Mountain, or both.

Whistler Blackcomb owns and operates all sorts of stuff in addition to running the mountain operations, including on-hill restaurants, bars/restaurants at the base of the mountains, and retail/rental shops. In addition, they hire people to do all sorts of other jobs required of keeping the entire operation running: ticket sellers, lift attendants, janitors, night auditors, parking attendants, Guest Relations representatives, Race and Events Department, and many more. As a result, there are a whole range of job types to choose from -- more than any other single employer in Whistler Resort. If, for instance, John wants to ski all day and work in the evenings, he could try and get a job as a night janitor or a night auditor, or working night shifts in one of the bars that the mountain owns.

In order to get hired by Whistler Blackcomb, he needs to attend the job fair that takes place from October 29 to November 4. Have him check out http://www.whistlerblackcomb.com/employment/ for all the details on what he needs to do before he gets there and how to pre-book his screening interview. There's quite a bit of information for him to read, but encourage him to read it in advance so he's completely prepared when he gets there and has everything he needs. One of the most important things to consider is that he needs to have a work visa before he'll even be considered for employment. No work visa = no job : (

Basically, the job fair allows every applicant to have a 15-minute "Company Fit" interview that helps the recruiter determine whether the applicant has what the company is looking for. These 15 minutes determine whether he'll be given a chance to advance to the next phase of the process -- the job-specific interview -- so it's EXTREMELY important that he dazzles them by giving them exactly what they're looking for. In short, it's all about personality, positive attitude, ability to think outside the box, and ability to come up with creative solutions.

Tip: have John call me directly and I'd be happy to go through the types of questions he'll be asked, and what exactly the recruiters are looking for. If he takes my advice and applies it during his interview, he'll be in without any problem. I'm totally serious about having him call me -- it'll be easier than trying to write everything down! Plus, he can ask me any other questions that my synopsis might not cover.

Once he dazzles them at his screening interview, he'll be slotted in for an interview for whatever positions he's applied for, or for whatever positions they feel he'd be appropriate for. That's where he'll again dazzle them with his personality. Whistler Blackcomb is a big believer in hiring for personality and training for skills instead of simply hiring the most qualified applicants. As a result, attitude and personality are of paramount importance during the entire process.

OK, so that's it for Whistler Blackcomb, but there are may other employers in the resort. Some of the major hotels (Fairmont Chateau Whistler, Westin, Four Seasons, etc.) may hold their own job fairs as well, simply because they hire lots of seasonal workers to complement their year-round staff. There would be a range of jobs as well, but not as many options as Whistler Blackcomb. It could be best for John to contact them directly when he's there, or to simply look in the newspaper (either the Pique or the Question) and find out if/when they're hosting hiring fairs.

Other businesses like bars/restaurants and retail shops don't typically have job fairs, but he'll be able to go around and submit his CV in person once he's there. One note about John's CV: in Canada, CVs are typically 2 pages maximum and provide career highlights instead of tons of in-depth detail. From all my years interviewing and hiring Australians, we Canadians were always somewhat amused to get CVs that were waaaaay longer than the typical 2 pages. I'm not sure if the practice has changed in recent years and Australians tend to have shorter and more specific CVs these days, but that's something for him to keep in mind if he's got anything too long.

There's usually no shortage of jobs in Whistler – maybe he can be a speaker dancer! – but there can be a shortage of affordable long-term accommodation for seasonal staff. Arriving in October means that he'll be getting there when virtually everyone else is getting there, so he'll need to get off the mark and try to secure accommodation pretty quickly. Again, the two local newspapers (links for which are on the Whistler Blackcomb employment page URL I supplied above) are the best places to look. Hopefully John will secure a job with the mountain and be able to get into staff accommodation, but they tend to give priority to returning and senior staff. Best thing is to try and hook up with other job searchers he meets and try to get a shared flat somewhere.

What else? That covers most of it, but I'd be totally happy to talk to John about anything. Particularly with respect to the Company Fit interview, I can give him an idea of the exact types of questions he'll be asked and what kinds of answers they're hoping to get back.

There you have it. All readers are now empowered to plan their ideal Whistler job and make it happen! Bonne chance!

God, this is a boring and useless post. How 'bout rescuing it with some light and lively facts?

• Did you know that some days I don't even get out of my bathrobe? The blessing/curse of working from home.
• Sex does not necessarily mean intimacy.
• Canadians: masters of nuance. (Just my own humble opinion.)
• I love Delta's new single, "Out of the Blue." But I think she and The Poo have broken up. Good, cuz she's too good for him.
• The site www.bulgereport.com really speaks for itself.
• On my Qantas flight home from Brisbane a couple of weeks ago, I was somewhat alarmed to see a 16-year-old man-boy (obviously listening to the same in-flight entertainment channel as I was -- the cheesy pop tunes channel) mouthing the words to 13-year-old Jo Jo's hit single "Leave (Get Out)." It just struck me as odd that a young man who's probably really conscious of image, and of what his friends think of him, would be seen lip-synching to the song that's become the anthem for teenaged girls suffering the humiliation dealt them by the my-first-boyfriend-who-I-thought-I'd-be-with-forever-but-who-dumped-me-for-my-best-friend syndrome. Of course, I was even more alarmed to realize that I, too, was mouthing the words. I'm thirty-freakin'-seven, for heaven's sake, and I'm lip-synching to some 13-year-old pop-tart's bubblegum pop song?! Clearly I'm not as image-conscious as that boy and don't care what others think of me. And I'm far gayer than I ever knew.
• What's the deal with Sandra Sully's voice? I reckon she should just put some effort into reallllly clearing her throat and getting rid of what is clearly some honkin' big build up of phlegm. Put your back into it, Sulls!
• Probiotics? Antibiotics? Which is good; which is bad?! What the fuck!

OK, time to wrap up and watch the rest of The Panel.

'Fess up: who ordered theVanilla Diet Coke?

Nightmarish fridge discovery #73: opening my bar fridge to see that I bought Vanilla Diet Coke instead of the regular nectar-of-the-Gods, tried-‘n-true concoction. High drama!

Other than the VDC debacle, what's new with me? I joined a slo-pitch league on Sunday, which could prove to be verrrry interesting. Have I mentioned just how incredibly terrible I am at slo-pitch?! I played once with an Intrawest team about a month after I moved to the Vancouver Corporate office from Whistler -- way back in 1998 -- and it was one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done in my adult life. I swear to God, I was scarred for, well, I guess it's been 6-1/2 years. This league is a gay and lesbian league, so they make it pretty clear that beginners are welcome, and they say it's a fun and social environment. I sure as hell hope so, cuz judging by the way I struck out (verrrry badly) in my first at-bat in Sunday's beginners' game, this could be a long and interesting season : (

I managed to squeak out a single in my next at-bat, but there's definitely room for improvement in my batting. And that's not even touching on my throwing. I always say I throw like a girl, but I had to bite my tongue, cuz I'm pretty sure the lesbians wouldn't have been OK with that. They would have fingered their toolbelts menacingly and said, "You throw nothing like me, chump. You throw like a freakin' fag!" This could be a long and interesting season : (

So, there's even more room for improvement with my throwing than there is with my batting? Well, it's all about pushing the envelope, expanding my horizons, working on growth and development, blah blah blah. Luckily I can run faster than most of the clowns who were playing yesterday, so at least I have some talent. They placed me on a team of lesbians that needed men -- despite the fact that I told them my Y chromosome means simply that I have a penis and slightly more body hair than them gals. To be clear, though, I'm talking only about slightly more body hair -- did ya check out the growth on some of those girls' legs? Anyway, I warned them that my Y chrome. doesn't mean I had any ball-playing skill. As it turns out, however, my team captain Trudy said The Devils are destined to be a social, have-fun, let's-go-drinking team more than a take-no-prisoners, win-at-all-costs crew. High five! (Oh God, I'm such a high-fivin' white guy.) This could be a long and interesting season : )

The love affair is over, Rove

Despite my efforts to love your performance, honey, you just weren't up to scratch. Maybe hosting the ARIA Awards isn't the best gig for you; maybe you were still reeling from the fire that destroyed your offices a couple of weeks ago. Either way, I was waiting for a knockout performance to silence your critics. You know, the undisputable Billy-Crystal-hosting-the-Oscars bravado that would cement your place in Australian-awards-show-hosting history and guarantee you these types of gigs for life.

You just couldn't do it, could ya? You just weren't funny. Well, time to face the consequences.

Sorry, tiger, you're no longer my TV husband. I've moved on. Grant Denyer, are you still available?

The Ultimate Bargoing Code of Conduct

Saturday night I went out dancing with some friends. Clearly I forgot how much fun it can be to make your way down an inviting set of stairs into a dimly-lit world rife with opportunities for making new friends.

Translation: we descended – both physically and literally – into a dark hole of a bar that turned out to be a total meat market full of scary-lookin’ people who seemed intent on hitting on us.

The crowd was, um…….varied. Without sounding arrogant, I can honestly say that I was one of the top 10% of patrons, looks-wise. In this city of perfectly perky poofs, that happens to me very infrequently, so the ego boost was a nice way to start the bar-going experience. My companions for the evening all agreed that I and the other guy in our group could pretty much get anyone we wanted.

The problem: finding anyone worth wanting.

On the bright side, however, we were in search of a good rug to cut, and we most assuredly found it. Rumour had it that Palms bar on Oxford Street was a haven for those in search of cheesy 80’s tunes and hassle-free attitude. Quite honestly, the less-than-attractive crowd helped us focus on the task at hand – tripping the light fantastic – and we set about showing the kind of results that can only be achieved through years and years of daggy dance training. We were pumped, we were prepared, we were primed, we did not disappoint. From “Fame” to “9 to 5,” with the occasional dose of classic 90’s like “Nobody’s…” and “It’s Not Right…,” we were pulling a Richard Simmons: sweatin’ to the oldies.

Hours of hijinks ensued, and I think it’s fair to say that I had the best dance night I’ve enjoyed since moving here. Never one to let an opportunity for growth and development pass me by, however, I put some thought into what constitutes the “right” kind of bar behaviour. Sort of a personal code of conduct designed to optimize my bargoing experience:

• I will not vogue.
• I will do the patented 360-degree dance that lets me drink in the view of the entire dancefloor while retaining the pretense of simply dancing.
• I will not dirty dance with any target, no matter how drunk I am or how cute he is. Note: not coincidentally, the former tends to expedite the latter.
• I will lip synch to every song I know – thereby impressing targets with my vast knowledge of all tunes cheesy, classic, or current.
• I will not cruise the washrooms before midnight.
• I will celebrate vigorously upon hearing the opening strains of any Canadian chanteuse.
• I will not leave the bar without telling my friends.
• I will ditch those same friends in a nanosecond if there’s a chance of picking up.
• I will not take my shirt off until I lose 15 pounds, no matter how hot and sweaty the bar gets.
• I will play hard to get in the event that any target takes an active interest in me.
• I will not let targets tweak my nipples on the dancefloor.
• I will reconsider the above if said target is cute.
• I will not show my underwear to anyone who is younger than said underwear.
• I will make a request of the DJ if he’s cute.
• I will not have sex in the DJ booth.
• I will visit the same bartender repeatedly if he’s hot.
• I will not hit on anyone who’s been on God’s green earth less than the length of time I’ve been a school graduate (a number which, at the present time, stands at 19 years).
• I will avoid standing in black light so as to ensure that any lint (normally unseen to the naked eye) isn't magnified and highlighted for all potential targets to see.
• I will not pash anyone in full view of the entire bar.
• I will exercise any pashing activities discreetly in the privacy of the handicapped washroom.

There you have it. If that doesn’t guarantee an awesome bargoing experience, I’m not sure what will.

Reeve vs. Reeves

Good, thanks! How ‘bout you? Glad to hear it.

So how’s this for a Friday night tragedy of epic proportions? Our 8:30PM choices are:

• Channel 7: Speed (1994) Jack Traven is an LAPD cop on SWAT detail who has a fearless nature and a keen understanding of the criminal mind. So far, it is just that which has kept him alive. But Jack's luck is about to change. He is put to the ultimate test when he is trapped on a runaway bus that is set to explode if it's speed falls under 50mph. With many passengers on board and lives at risk, the pressure is on Jack to save the day.
• Channel 9: Superman (1978) Christopher Reeve stars as Superman, a man that can travel faster than a speeding bullet and leap tall buildings in a single bound. This original blockbuster film traces Superman's life from a baby on the doomed planet Krypton to the time when his powers for good are revealed to the world.
• Channel 10: The Dish (2000) The story of how the pictures of man's first moon landing were sent back to the world from a sheep paddock in Parkes, NSW.

Seeing as how I recently rented The Dish as part of my exploration of classic Australian cinema, I quickly nixed that option from the list. So would it be Superman (added as a late programming change by 9 as a tribute to recent passing of Chris Reeve), or Speed (the star vehicle for the military-cut-and-then-newly-buff Canadian stud Keanu)? (Editor’s note: have you seen Keanu in Something’s Gotta Give as the man-boy-toy of Diane Keaton? The boy has definitely retained stunning screen presence even despite the fact that his younger years are behind him!)

In the end, the decision wasn't too difficult: Speed hands down. For some reason – well, ever since Miss Congeniality -- Sandy B. has done it for me. And with the bowl cut and pseudo-trailer-trash-bus-jock persona she shows us in Speed, she was reallllly able to display her true acting range in this screen gem. Plus, teamed with Mr. Reeves? That's what I call Magic Time! BTW, is it irony that my two Friday finalist flicks starred Mr. Reeve and Mr. Reeves?

An acquaintance of mine – let’s call him Dominic cuz, to be honest, that’s his name – told me he watches Strictly Dancing every Friday night. Well, I finally watched it for the first time tonight as I was pondering the Speed vs. Superdude question. All I can say is…..it just can't hold a candle to Dancing With the Stars and the fabulous-ness of Pauline Hanson and those gorgeous flowing gowns she’s already shown us in the first 2 weeks. And with the delicious Justin Melvey using those glorious God-given hips of his, well that’s just gonna keep me turning in week after week. Along with nearly 2 million other people who are almost as lame as me.

But maybe I need to give some credit to Strictly Dancing. With the girth of the hips on some of those girls, I have no idea how those obviously-gay boys could get them off the ground for those death-defying lifts. And a judged named Jaime Jesus?! That's got entertainment value written all over it. You just can’t make this stuff up! Tonight was Semi-final #3, with only the winning couple moving to the Final in a couple of weeks’ time. I give SD a 7.4 out of 10, with points withheld for the total cheese factor of the hip hop and street funk sections. I saw it as verrrry tongue-in-cheek, but they seemed to actually believe that what they were doing was legit. Let's just say I wouldn't want to be anywhere near those boys if they ventured out to a club lookin' as woeful as they did. Puh-leeze! The commentators talked about street cred, but the only thing those boys were doing was proving they water their garden from the other side of the hose.

At least the host is head and shoulders above the atrocious Daryl Somers, the boys are young and obviously ready to jump to my side of the fence, and there’s the whole for-the-love-of-the-dance aspect that keeps it so innocent. I suspect, however, that tonight’s winners, Luda and Csaba (who is also featured on DWTS, by the by), aren’t in it just for their love of the craft. They’re a bit too polished, a bit too professional, and are clearly after the abundance of fame, glory and (I know, but please hold the laughter) credibility that winning SD would lend their careers. But on a sour note, Dominic claims our winner Csaba is a straight boy. How unfair of him to deprive the other 3 gayboys their chance at Finals glory! Quelle dommage : (

9:16 Speed update: The movie’s 45 minutes old and Sandy still hasn’t taken the wheel yet. Damn, I don’t remember it moving this freakin’ slow. When does Keanu get to save the day? At least Alan Ruck’s character is providing some humour : )

9:36 Speed update: Our boy Keanu has boarded the bus, Sandy's behind the wheel, and there's plenty of potential for hijinks coming up! And do I see some flirting happening? Oooooh, the sexual tension goes up a notch. With a Wildcat behind the wheel and a hunk ‘o burning love in the form of Keanu, what would you expect, huh?

9:57 Speed update: She’s jumping the gap, she’s jumping the gap! Don’t you think the director could have done a better job of filming the approach shots? As they’re (so we’re led to believe) climbing to 80mph, the scene is so clearly sped up that it’s embarrassing. They should have consulted my buddy Lorna as the continuity expert she so clearly is.

10:08 Speed update: Mmmmmm. Keanu’s removed a layer and is now down to his tight white t-shirt and bulletproof vest. Can ya just stand it?! Sandy’s circling the runways of LAX and keeping her cool admirably. Keanu’s under the bus dismantling the incendiary device and narrowly avoiding the crush of the bus’ wheels. High drama! Ooh, look at the throbbing vein on Keanu’s forehead.

OK, in case there was any debate, it’s now official: I’m such a loser. I’m considering a military cut like Keanu’s, I’m looking forward to watching The Parent Trap on TV this weekend, and I’ve lost all sense of reality unless it can be packaged and sold to the networks as an all-new, all-hit reality TV show.

10:27 Speed update: All the passengers are off except for Keanu and Sandy. The wheels have blown. Tragic consequences are seconds away now. But you know how the story ends, right? Well, the upcoming twist at the end throws you off-course a bit, but it’s all good in the end. Sparks fly and our happy couple are lookin’ like they’re ready for some post-trauma fornication. They’re safe, but will their sex be?

Time to wrap. Thus ends another fantastically fulfilling Friday for me. All guns firing for the weekend!

Is it 'cos I'm fly?

Did you know that Ryan Gosling, star of the new (well, new to Australia – released today, in fact) movie The Notebook, is Canadian? Yup, born in the bustling metropolis of Cornwall, Ontario was he. Born in 1980. Jaysus, that makes him all of 24 – well, 24 on November 12. When did I go from being a young buck to an old man?!

I heard today that Jim Carrey, the famous face-twisting Canadian of cheap-laugh-comedies fame, has been granted US citizenship. Supposedly it’s so he can vote in the US election, but I suspect it’s some plot by the US government to enlist him, Sydney Bristow-style, into some Alias-type undercover operation. Not that I’ve ever watched an episode of Jennifer, Michael et al. I hear it's very good – probably due to the formidable screen presence of Victor Garber (proud Canadian actor extraordinaire).

Apparently I’m on some kind of Canadian kick today. Well, most days, really. I’m heading “oot” tonight with my friend Number One to see a circus show currently playing in Sydney. My friend Barb from our old (like 1993!) Whistler days is part of the touring production, and has set aside a couple of tickets for tonight’s performance. She was going to see it with me, but remembered she has a conference call that will preclude her joining me. Barb was kind enough to let me see an earlier performance, so this will be my follow-up trip to le Grand Chapiteau. If you’ve ever seen any of these particular circus productions, you’ll probably have an idea how bizarre the shows can be. I’ve been lucky enough to see one show in Las Vegas and another in Orlando prior to my first viewing of this show in August. I suppose I’m a veteran after soooo many shows, but I sure remember seeing my first show and thinking afterwards that I wanted to meet the person who had the vision to think up such a f*@%&d up production. He/she was either a genius or on some serious mind-altering drugs. I felt less so after seeing my second and third shows, but they’re still way-out-there shows. What a cool company the circus would be to work for…

I’ve pretty much done everything imaginable to avoid work today. “It’s OK,” I think. “I only work part-time and I can take some time to piss around.” How, then, do I account for the fact that I’ve done absolutely nothing all week? Tomorrow! I’ll be better tomorrow!

Tonight is a red-letter date in Australian TV history: the debut of the new season of The Amazing Race!! I’m still reeling from the displacement of Playing It Straight, but the fact that TAR is taking its 8:30 timeslot makes my loss a little easier to take. But wither poor PIS?! I thought it was supposed to screen at 11:30 but, alas, the TV Guide has no record of a late-night PIS screening. I’m doomed to a life of despair and drama without the knowledge of how Dane, Campbell, Chad and Evan fared trying to win poor small-town girl Rebecca’s heart. I figure it’ll be Dane, so no need to lose sleep over it. I still suspect that he’s a big ol’ power bottom, but I guess that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily gay : )

I’m just a bit curious about something…..

Is it ‘cos I’m cool
Why you dress like me
Is it honesty
Or you just a fool

Is it ‘cos I’m smart
Why you break my heart
With the lies you tell
Baby kiss and tell

Just wondering, as is (apparently) the singer of this song playing on Nova right now. Jeepers, there’s lots of lyrical rhyming in this song! Very Bananarama-esque. Well done, girls – or whoever wrote these deep, meaningful lyrics.

Is it ‘cos I’m fly
‘Cos I said what I said
When I said what I said
But I didn’t say

Is it ‘cos I’m wrong
That you jump right in
With no discipline
Baby sink or swim

Yup. No doubt about it: this song will win the songwriter a mittful of trophies during the upcoming awards season. Can’t wait to get out my ball gown and celebrate in front of the live TV telecast! About my ball gown: it's seafoam green and full of lace, with a big ol' bow on the butt.

Why does my stereo click on all by itself? It’s happened at least 4 times now – most recently last night when I was out for a late-night walk. I got home and the little devil machine was warbling away in the corner, spitting out its scratchy, static-laden solo. No biggie, except for the fact that I got home on Monday night after 4 days in Brisbane and walked in to hear the now-familiar scratchy sound from the corner. Luckily the volume wasn’t too high, but I’m sure my neighbours wouldn’t have appreciated 24/7 worth of stereo coming from next door. Not to mention the impact on my electricity bill.

And should I get started on the outlandish cost of electricity here? Naw, better not start that rant. It’s best saved for another day. Alternatively, it’s best not to open that can of worms at all. Let’s just leave it in the Outrageous category.

What’s the deal with Gwen Stefani’s hair. Just wondering, cuz holy Bride of Freakin’ Frankenstein!

12:09AM: If you get the chance to see one a show from this circus, please take advantage. The show was at least as good -- possibly better -- the second time 'round. Still, I can't help but wonder what kind of halucinogenics the creators have found to fuel their fantastic dreams. Crazy French Canadians : )

Climbing and plummeting

The mercury climbs. My motivation plummets. My laundry spins. Welcome to Wednesday on the other side of the world!

Random thoughts for today:

• how is it possible to get a cold when it's so freakin' hot?
• if I have to keep getting up early to go for a run before the thermometer hits 30, I'll be a sleep-deprived, humourless, nap-needing fool
• why would anyone think skiing in this weather?
• is Sydney tapwater safe to drink? should I be a poser and buy bottled (that usually ends up being from some inner-city water supply anyway)?
• am I comfortable being challenged?
• a whole new world of sushi making has opened up for me as of this past weekend
• does britney spears -- sorry, mrs. federline -- really think that anyone takes her seriously?
• can one person really sleep, eat, drink, relax, work, and play in the same small space?

In the space of a few short days, I've gone from needing a wee warm up with the space heater to nearly needing a fan. Ahhh, my love-hate relationship with Sydney weather flourishes. And what's with the dust?! It looks like I'm living in an old attic, with dust piled high and nobody really paying attention. Contrary to what I recently heard from my gorgeous sister Sonia, I think the more time you spend at home, the more you actually don't notice the dust, the dirt, the mess, and the rest. She figures you notice them more when you're at home all the time, but I beg to differ -- or at least I appear to be more comfortable wallowing in my pig pen than she is in hers. I think her approach is far healthier, to be honest!

How frustrating is it that I hear all these great songs on the radio (yes, I'm a big Nova fan), but often have absolutely no idea who's singing them? That's very unlike me, at least in my other life. Yes, it seems to be a whole new world of blissful ignorance for me in many respects. Not so sure I like it, but I'm coping with it. At least I still know I'm a faithful student of popular culture and would feel comfortable matching wits with any average joe citizen. Ya, like that's gonna get me a job...

Very exciting life I'm leading at the moment. The agenda tonight revolves around the fact that The Panel is on, sadly indicative of the richness of my life at the moment : )

On the scarier-than-shit side, I actually had someone post a comment on my first blog. Bless her little heart for sending her greetings and well wishes. My faith in humankind now happily restored, I can tend to my spinning laundry.

Good grief, am I ready?

Getting launched in this whole freakin' world of blogging is enough to induce night sweats. I read a couple of verrry funny blogs today and I'm not so sure I'm up to the task, but who the hell am I to accept judgment by anyone other than myself anyway? So let's roll.

To clarify, my philosophy is: "life is large. why insist on living small?" The whole concept behind this is that I need to at least feel that I'm striving in some small way to achieve my life's potential -- or a miniscule fraction thereof. There's so much life to live, why would I limit myself by closing doors and living in a less-than-how-I-want way? Well, that's the philosophy anyway...

Just to clarify another thing: petty is OK. I'm allowed to be petty -- within reason, of course. My buddy Lorna knows just how petty I can be, seeing as how we have often compared petty notes in the past. In fact, we've displayed our pettiness as a badge of honour on occasion. No, no, it's OK, really!! We did it in a constructive, sharing, healing way :) Damn, how I miss that McGeek girl!

OK, so we've established that petty is cool. I just can't live small, cuz that's not allowed. Come to think of it, though, if I allow petty, then I have to allow cynicism. Oh ya, cynicism definitely has to be allowed -- encouraged, in fact. Duh, that's a total no-brainer, seeing how cynicism forms the basis for my entire humour belief system. OK, so cynicism is all good. Just as long as it's BIG cynicism. Nothing small about it.

But if I'm drafting an "allowed" list, I guess I need to add "slightly out of the realm of what could be considered normal" to the list. Let's call this the Protected List, and just add to it at will and as I see fit. Why the hell not?! The only one making the rules is me, after all. (Editor's note: the only one making the rules is me, and the only one who will ever actually read this drivel is me. I think it's advisable to just take a chill pill and relax.)

Good, so "slightly out of the realm....." (aka "a bit weird") is now considered acceptable behavour. I'm all over that! Just no "small," damnit. Must avoid the whole "small living" syndrome.

OK, is that it? Get real -- that's just a start. But let's just leave it at this: I'll be happy if I just live my life as if I'm realizing at least some of my potential. And maybe I'm not realizing my potential by doing this, but The Panel is about to start. Don't wanna miss it!

No kidding, I really....

1. ...have a passion for Track and Field and the Olympics that borders on the obsessive at times
2. ...was adopted on my oldest sister's 6th birthday (March 20/67) and still feel like we share a special friendship
3. ...never wear a jean jacket with jeans, cuz I don't like the denim-on-top-of-denim look
4. ...can't stand smoke in bars (or in any public places, actually)
5. ...can sometimes go to great lengths to save money (I have been known to get absolutely giddy by saving a dollar), which means I can splurge when it comes to something that's really important to me (like living in an apartment that has the right location, location, location)
6. ...have had some of my best bar experiences during Sunday T-Dances at The Timberline Bar in Seattle with Suzie and Blossom
7. ...have a real problem with people who complain about their situation and yet don't do anything to improve it, and am not afraid to tell them to either deal with it or stop whining to me about it
8. ...am tired of traveling alone : (
9. ...have found that cooking has had much more appeal since I implemented my new rule: If I'm cooking, I'm cocktailing!
10. ...sometimes have to kick myself when I find that I'm focusing on the negative instead of the positive, which is more my style
11. ...know now more than ever how much my friends mean to me
12. ...once cheered for a friend who was running a half marathon by holding up a sign that said, “JILL, YOU SCARE ME!”
13. ...have sweaty feet, and would wear sandals or thongs all year round if I could
14. ...love my Mom's tomato soup cake and have been known to devour an entire cake in one sitting
15. ...have completed two triathlons, both a sprint distance (600m/20km/5km) and an Olympic distance (1.5km/40km/10km)
16. ...can touch my tongue to my nose
17. ...believe that Tom Ford will be my husband someday
18. ...am uncle to 3 beautiful kids
19. ...have a problem with people who are completely clueless about the things that are going on around them -- like when someone holds up a line of 20 people boarding a plane behind them while they struggle to stuff their too-big luggage in the overhead bin
20. ...didn't came out of the closet until I was 30
21. ...(knock on wood) never get sick
22. ...broke my arm at 5 years of age while playing horsey with my Dad
23. ...like clothes way too much, but hate wearing labels and never, ever do
24. ...have more grey hair below my neck than above my neck, but none of it on my back
25. ...have tried online dating, and didn't feel like I was meeting too many keepers
26. ...need to improve my posture, or else I'll be totally stooped by the time I'm 50
27. ...am not typically one to sleep in
28. ...wear way more blue (cuz it brings out my eyes) and black (just cuz I like it) than probably all other colours combined
29. ...have fueled my passion by traveling around the world to attend track meets
30. ...tend to be true to myself and my beliefs by saying what's on my mind and not hiding my feelings; sometimes I get into a bit of trouble for it (both at work and in my personal life), but at the same time people often tell me that that they appreciate and admire me for it
31. ...don't really have any toys like electronic goods, expensive sports or play equipment, or a nice car
32. ...have fallen asleep in a bar before (Skid Row at the old Garf's, for those of you who know Whistler)
33. ...think I'm probably more like my sister J. that we both know, and am happy that I've had the chance to discover that over the past while
34. ...sometimes feel like I'’m a big ol' square in the gay community because I don'’t do any drugs, but I'd rather be a big ol' square than be like so many of the people I've seen who have literally fallen down one too many times
35. ...didn't understand the allure of sending text messages on a mobile phone until I moved to Australia, where I learned to love it
36. ...have a tattoo of a Canadian maple leaf, which I love
37. ...used to love watching The Life Network before I moved to Australia
38. ...tend not to settle and, instead, usually try to seek out the people and situations that allow me to be truly fulfilled
39. ...am a total shower/car singer, and sometimes fantasize about being discovered by some record-producing neighbour who hears me through an open window and decides to sign me to a multi-record deal on the spot : )
40. ...have a party trick that usually gets me free drinks and plenty of attention
41. ...tend to eat too much and too quickly
42. ...try to accept responsibility for the things I say and do, and get frustrated with people who aren't similarly accountable
43. ...love it when a man can woo me with writing that is free of spelling and grammatical errors, even if he has no clue at all that he's wooing me in that manner
44. ...see the best example of an amazing partner-relationship in my parents' approaching-50-year marriage
45. ...have never been a gym bunny
46. ...did drag for the first time in my life as a surprise for my friend Chan's 40th birthday -- and I performed a fabulous number in a stunning rubber latex-inspired dominatrix ensemble
47. ...think that my brother is a great Dad
48. ...(except when my Mom used to make me eat it when I was a kid) never ate tuna until I started loving sushi
49. ...dislike 98% of all the pictures that have ever been taken of me as an adult
50. ...enjoy improved quality of life since I had laser eye surgery
51. ...sometimes think I'd like to grow my hair longer, but don't have the patience to withstand a painful "growing out" period
52. ...love Strawberry-flavoured twizzlers and (even more) Cherry-flavoured nibs
53. ...am the only person I know who made it through university without drinking coffee (and I still don'’t drink it to this day)
54. ...often struggle being a single man in his late-30's, believing I have a lot to offer to the right guy (even if he's not Tom Ford), and yet feeling like it just ain't gonna happen for me
55. ...have an uncanny ability to remember dates, both significant (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) and totally irrelevant (like "Gosh, 2 years ago today I was doing insert trivial activity here...")
56. ...tend to equate particular songs with specific times of my life, like the song I always equate with my coming out in March/97: Step by Step by Whitney Houston
57. ...have become the man I am today because I've been so positively influenced and supported by my parents, who I think have probably the best parenting skills in the world
58. ...have made a really successful effort in the past few years to simplify my life
59. ...won 3 medals in Track and Field at the 2002 Gay Games in Sydney and several medals in international (well, North American) gay volleyball tournaments
60. ...have a super-duper sweet tooth
61. ...think I'm pretty down to earth and grounded, with a good grasp of what's important to my life and why
62. ...and believe my Dad is the smartest person I've ever known