mcgeek campy?wear a jean jacket with jeans?naked men in toolbelts pictures?

Again, I marvel at the way in which people are unlucky enough to stumble across this blog. More specifically, I can't imagine expectantly typing these phrases into a search engine and facing the disappointment of finding, instead of the intended result, this load of crap that I call life is large:

• Gabrielle Richens pictures dancing with the stars
• My restaurant rules Patrick Collins
• Justin Melvey gay
• Why did Clijsters and Lleyton broke up
• Ty Henschke
• Large dick and naturel
• Grant Denyer Lleyton Hewitt (tons of searches for this one)
• Lleyton Hewitt penis (and apparently lots of people searching for this one, too)
• Letter of awareness to employee
• Justin Melvey Bondi
• "said but I didn’t say" lyrics dawsons creek
• Lleyton snake
• Davenport Molik ace bad call
• Alcia Molik navel
• Mcgeek campy
• Wear a jean jacket with jeans

And then there's this one, my personal favourite. I assure you I didn't post any pictures of naked men in toolbelts. Sure, I was thinking about 'em. Absolutely. But I didn't post any. Still, I'm happy I could help this poor lost soul find what they weren't looking for. It's the giver in me.

The democratic process

I don't agree with so much of the whole Iraq saga. How can world governments get away with so much misinformation, so much public deception, so much spin. How can they be unaccountable -- and how can they, in some cases, get re-elected?!

Still, Iraqis voted today. That's what's important right now, regardless of the path that led them to this point. And I'm going to spare a few minutes for those who risked life and limb to get to the ballot box, cast their vote, and withstand the pressure from extremist groups to abandon the process. And I'll spare a few minutes for those who died along the way.

Death threats

Daily intimidation

Suicide bombers

I honestly can't even imagine living like that, but these people have been putting up with all of that for months and months. I hope that they have the strength and courage to continue the quest for peace and democracy. Sure, I think the US government is a caricature of lies and mismanagement, but petty politics will be put aside today.

People of Iraq: good on ya!

"Enjoy a freebie on the house!"

Today was the day I got rid of everything. I put up signs all over the building designed to draw a crowd of both curious tire kickers and committed garage salers alike. I had some folks come by, I sold some stuff, I gave other stuff away. Sure I pocketed some cash, but mostly I just enjoyed giving away stuff to people at a ridiculously low (or no) price. It warms my heart knowing that my crap valuables are going to good homes.

But here’s the part that sucks. Totally sucks! I’ve been in my apartment for more than 6 months, and today was the first time I met each of these people. I think I had a decent turnout because I advertised that there would be some freebies happening, and that tends to bring out the cheapskates bargain hunters like me. But, truth be told, I met some really nice people who were all extremely interested in my plans and seemed genuinely kind and happy to make my acquaintance. Where the fuck have they been hiding for the past 6 months while I’ve endured the irony of apartment-life solitude in an 80-some unit building? Don’t get me wrong, for I like my solitude (hence, I live alone), but it sure would have been nice to have some of these folks around to visit with and chat to once in a while.

Oh well, it’s a moot point now. I’m circus folk now. It’s all about fantasy, foolishness, and freaks from now on.

Out of Africa my nose

I'd seen this years ago and it reminded me of my friend Ben's uniquely personal way of dancing. But thanks to Jesse, a whole new world has opened up for me to explore. I have a feeling that I'll spend hours checking out some of this stuff, but this is the one that got me started and had me LOMA (laughing outta my ass).

One wee word of warning: make sure you're not drinking scotch and diet coke while you view this, cuz you're liable to expel it through your nose. And I'm here to tell ya....owwwwch!

He looks awfully fun.

You can't take it with you

Imagine my dilemma. I’m vacating my apartment in a few days and flying to Brisbane, so I have to get rid of everything. Ev. Ree. Thing. Some things will be sold (for a pittance), some will be given away, some will be donated to the needy. Some, on the other hand, will simply be consumed.

I refer, of course, to the half-bottle of Scotch that I can’t take on the plane with me! Seems there’s some draconian rule that prohibits bringing open bottles of booze on a flight and during the course of an absurdly short flight to tropical Queensland getting blind drunk to the point of belligerence. As a result, I gotta finish that bad boy in the next couple of days.

Bottoms up, everyone!

Bring on the 'phants

So there I am. My head's in the clouds, my chin is held high (on account of my New Year's resolution to improve my posture), and I'm grinning from ear to ear. Woo hoo! Yay me!

And then I step in the biggest pile of sidewalk shit I've ever seen.

What is it with all the Sydneysiders who don't think they need to pick up after their animals?! Fucking self-centred, disrespectful, unaccountable pigs. But was it a gift from an elephant? a hippopotamus? a rhinoceros? Must be, cuz I don't think there's a dog big enough on God's green earth that could leave a steaming pile of shit that big. Real turn-your-stomach kind of stuff!

Guess I better get used to big piles of elephant shit. After all, I'm circus folk now.

This lightbulb momentbrought to me by Ms. Header

Hmmmm, funny how things work out. I had a second interview with this company on Tuesday. I felt that it went well and that I connected with the guy who was on the other end of the phone -- it helped that we shared some laughs and seemed to be fairly relaxed with each other. Jeepers, in that respect, it was kinda like setting up a blind date or something. I wonder if he's cute.

Yesterday I got phone conselling from Ms. Header -- famous for providing me with life-altering lightbulb-over-the-head moments -- and e-mail encouragement from Little Bub (thanks, gals!). Still, I had been told not to expect a decision until next week, so I was blown away by this morning's wake up call outlining an impending offer. Zoiks! That was fast!

Now calm down, dear readers, cuz full details are still forthcoming in an offer letter and nothing is finalized yet. For instance, I need to figure out how I'm gonna get time off for a March commitment back in Canada..... Still, it looks awfully promising! Money is not my prime motivator, so it's a nice surprise to hear that (inclusive of benefits, COLA, tour bonus, performance bonus potential, and the like) the package will be considerably more than I expected. Look at me: always a sucker for a big package!

Jaysus, it'll be fucking brilliant to have a paycheque again! Stay tuned!

The deciding set

Serena 8-6 in the third.

Lindsay 6-4 in the third.

Marat 9-7 in the fifth.

Holy freakin' semi-final day at the Aussie Open. Does anyone have some Lee press-on nails that I can use to replace the ones I finished chewing off around 2:30 this afternoon? Jaysus!!

And tomorrow I have to suffer through Hewitt vs. Roddick, Kuznetsova-Molik vs. Davenport-Morariu, and Mirnyi-Navratilova vs. Black/Black.

I'm totally hooped.

The phone lines are now open

Brad Pitt or Gael Garcia Bernal?

Discuss.

9-7 in the third!

It was a hell of a match, but Davenport pulled it out 9-7 in the third, spoiling what would have been a fairytale Australia Day for Alicia (shown at left).

It could have gone either way, but Lindsay pulled off some stellar shots at critical times and Alicia's serving percentage was just a wee bit down. No matter: Alicia proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she belongs in the top echelon (justifying her new top-10 ranking), and Lindsay can now go on and hopefully win (at least) one more Slam.

Seeing as how Alicia can't take home the trophy, it better be Lindsay. Only two more matches to win: over Dechy, then either Williams or Sharapova. Win 'em both, and a second Aussie Open trophy goes home to California. Fingers crossed!

What's that about?

My brother's family portrait (November 2004)

Damn, I begged my brother to wear a different shirt. That guy wouldn't know style if it landed on his head.

liftie sex?narita hooker?lleyton hewitt penis girth?

I've become a total site statistics slut. I love seeing who's been visiting my blog, who's been staying for a while, who's been referred from other blogs, and who's stumbling across me by unexpected means. As a matter of fact, I'm seeing a number of interesting referrals from various search engines. That is, net surfers are finding my site purely by accident.

For instance, I hope that the person who was searching for "Ben Unwin" gay found what he or she sought. And I also trust that these surfers found the desired search results that brought them to life is large:

• beer and nuts debra
• narita hooker
• Celebrity Chef "Patrick Collins"
• www.bicurious.com
• liftie sex (WTF?!)
• ryan andrijich
• lapd swat, physical fitness test
• living large spending small

My personal favourite, however, has to be: lleyton hewitt penis girth. Sure, the guy's hit the gym hard, muscled up a bit on top, and is showing off an impressive set of pipes. I just wonder how things are going in the below-the-belt department, and clearly I'm not the only one! I wonder if Bec cares to comment.

She won't die wondering

Go Molik, go Molik
Go, go, go Molik

In a previous post, I predicted Molik in 3 tough sets. Clearly, Venus ain't the wrecking machine she used to be, while Alicia's in the form of her life. I was hoping for a good match, and on this hot, humid night in Melbourne, I wasn't disappointed.

9:20PM: After trading mid-set breaks, Alicia breaks Venus at 6-5 to take the first. A bit patchy, with several swings in momentum, but it's in the books as a one set lead for Molik.

10:14PM: The girls step it up in set #2, with punishing groundstrokes and the (very) occasional foray to the net. It's tight, and Alicia presses on, but Venus finally forces a second set tiebreaker.

• A nifty ace opens the proceedings. 1-0 Molik
• Alicia sends a lethal 132 kph forehand winner to the corner, consolidating her mini-break. 2-0 Molik
• Venus hits the net and Alicia attacks the let cord, hammering it home to the Williams backhand and forcing the error. 3-0 Molik
• Alicia draws Venus into the net on a backhand volley and then crosses with a forehand winner. 4-0 Molik
• Venus punishes Alicia with a tough forehand winner to the corner that Alicia just can't handle. 4-1 Molik
• Good forehand winner for Alicia. 5-1 Molik
• Alicia shanks the service return. 5-2 Molik
• With an inside-out forehand error, Alica concedes the point. 5-3 Molik
• A huge Molik kick serve is returned wide by Venus to bring up a match point. 6-3 Molik
• Venus dumps a backhand into the net for 7-3 Molik, and the match is in the can

10:23PM: Over in two (tough) sets, not the three that I predicted. Nonetheless, Alica is through to the quarters and a Wednesday night date with world #1 Davenport. When asked about facing Lindsay, Alicia said she'll go for her shots like she knows she can, and "not die wondering." I'm all over that philosphy!

I'm torn: I'm a huge Molik fan, but to see Lindsay win one more Slam before she retires at year's end would make me a very happy man. Stay tuned.

I know Header will love this post!

Melbourne: a damn fine place! I accomplished everything I wanted to on this trip, from making new friends in Peter and Kevin, to seeing old friends (I love my friends Elsie and Natalie!!), to seeing tons of amazing tennis, to sharing all the fun with my surprise last-minute travel partner F, to enjoying the best of Melbourne's weather, to getting out among the nightlife. And as an added bonus, my friend F and I were overwhelmed at the amount of hot men in that city, a fact reinforced for me at Friday night's opening of the Midsumma Festival at Federation Square. Oh dear!

Heartfelt thanks to the absolutely gorgeous Kevin and Peter, the best hosts a gal could ever have! They made me feel right at home and generously sacrificed their time and effort to help make my Melbourne trip awesome. These guys are friends of my good friend Sin-dee, and I had never met them before, but I can truly say that they are beautiful inside and out. I'm so glad to now be able to call them my friends, and am looking forward to their next time they visit Canada!

I'm pretty sure my freaky friend Header is loving this post. Header, I think you're abso-freakin'-lutely right: Melbourne totally rocks!

In a word: zoiks!

My first day at the Aussie Open. My latest brush with celebrity.

This legend of the game was a mere 10 feet away from me during this morning's practice session. Later in the day, she and her partner put on a tennis clinic in wiping their opponents all over the court. I can't believe that I can now say I've seen this living legend play in person.

I saw tons of matches, enjoyed a few cocktails, got a bit too much sun, and drooled over a few too many fit men. Did you know that high-level tennis is way faster and hard-hitting in person than on TV? I didn't truly appreciate it until today.

What an absolutely brilliant start to my Aussie Open!

Sir Robert Borden grads rule!!

Sandra Oh: Hollywood actress, star of Golden Globe Best Picture (Musical or Comedy) Sideways, Sir Robert Borden alumnus, and good ol' Nepean gal

Imagine my surprise! I'm at home watching the Golden Globes on TV. I'd heard bits and pieces about some movie called Sideways from this guy's post (despite the fact that I won't get to see the flick in Australia until about 2007). I'd seen her in bit pieces on TV and stuff. I'd even seen her recently with my adorable nieces in the flick The Princess Diaries.

But to see her standing on stage in front of the entire freakin' world as part of the (small) cast accepting the Golden Globe for Best Picture?! Well, that's just a whole udder can o' worms! And not bad for a gal from Onterrible.

Check out her website and you'll even see a reference to our old alma mater, Sir Robert Borden High School in Nepean, Ontario. Sure, I graduated two four years before Sandra, but I did know her older sister Grace. Surely that's gotta count for something!

SRB grads rule!!

I'm gonna get me a snake

Lleyton and his snake

When Lleyton got dumped by Kim a few months ago, he cleary hit the gym hard. Debuting this year as a mini-muscle mary, he's earned a new fan in yours truly. While he still tends to be a bit intense on-court (what's with that whole snake-in-the-face pose, BTW?), he's playing really well and always guarantees an exciting match.

I'm damn stoked to be off to Melbourne tomorrow to take in the Australian Open. I've had a dream for many years to attend all 4 Grand Slams before I die, and after attending the 2002 US Open, this Aussie Open will be Grand Slam #2 in my global tennis quest. Eventually, I'll head over to Wimbledon and Roland Garros, but for now I'm freakin' excited to stalk watch Lleyton and his snake in their quest for a first Aussie Open.

There will also be plenty of other talented gentlemen to watch in Melbourne, and hot, fit, sweaty men in (or out of) shorts and sleeveless tops always get me going! Plus, as noted in the 6th point of this post, I've been forecasting big things from Aussie home-grown talent Alicia Molik. She's undefeated in 2005, has won her first-round match, and is marching through the draw on her way to a 4th round clash with the inconsistent Venus Williams. My prediction? Molik in 3 tough sets.

Posts will be light over the next few days. Play safe while I'm gone, y'all!

Last night...

.....my crotch was groped by a drag queen.

.....I found out that it only costs $300 to get a divorce.

.....an unusual, short man in a yellow t-shirt kept staring at M and me. After over an hour, he seemingly plucked up the courage to come over to me and say something. He leaned in nervously, opened his mouth, and then turned around and fled without saying a word.

.....I found out the Sunday is apparently the night to spot B-list celebrities. I pointed out the following celebrities over the course of the evening to M, who doesn't seem to be able to spot a celebrity to save his life : )

• Australian Idol co-host James Mathison (why couldn't it have been Andrew G?!)
• star of stage and screen (Priscilla, Matrix, etc.) Hugo Weaving, having gelato with his family
• Patrick Collins, the well-known chef and restaurant critic from My Restaurant Rules
• Ryan Andrijich (food and wine) and Ty Henschke (grooming) from the soon-to-air Australian version of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (oh, why couldn't it have been Will Fennell?!)

.....I was told that Brett Lee has a very committed handshake and a website full of "glamour" shots. Naturally, you should check out the link, too.

.....I rolled my eyes yet again at the standard of servers in the hospitality industry, both at Burgerman and Stonewall. Clearly these folks ain't workin' for tips!

.....M and I had a great visit for the first time in ages, sharing dinner, drinks, laughs, celebrity sightings, and plenty of opportunities to mock the Beautiful People. I still sometimes can't help but wonder what might have happened, but I'm glad we've developed a friendship. That is, by far, the most important thing.

The rainbow Regina connection

Two people who are very important in my life just happen to be from Regina. When Paula and Little Bub met in 1999 at my birthday skating party (a great theme for a birthday party, BTW), they even knew some people in common. Being roughly the same age and being from, well, Regina (current temperature of -32.9C -- I kid you not!!) I suppose there's not much to do in Winter but go to house parties, tap kegs, and meet others who enjoy such shenanigans.

I was nervous about sharing my silly blog with each of them, and for similar reasons:

• they both make a living by writing, even though Paula's handwriting is, to be generous, difficult to decipher at times : )
• they're both damn smart people
• Little Bub was the person who first educated me about the world of blogging and was encouraging when I expressed interest in starting one; Paula was incredibly encouraging when I shared with him (yes, Paula's a "he") the fact that I had become a blogger (his words, if I recall, were "can't wait! bring on the blog!" or somethin' like dat)
• they both provide very considered and thoughtful feedback and have been valuable resources to me over the years, even when I've just needed to bounce ideas off 'em
• as noted above, they're both very special friends

I've shared this forum with both of them now, and their feedback has been awesome. In fact, as a bit of self-promotion, I included some comments in the brand new section titled what people are saying (see the bottom right-hand corner of the sidebar). Guys, if either of you are still reading (assuming I haven't scared you off just yet), thanks for the feedback. Love ya heaps!

2005 Tramp Tour:coming soon to a city near you!

Can you spot the tramp? (Christmas 2004)

This is me showing off my skills as a trampoline virtuoso at Christmas. We played a game where you have to alternate dropping to your knees, then flinging yourself onto your butt, then to your knees, then your butt...well, ya know. But you can't use your hands or any other part of your body (other than your knees or butt as appropriate) to push off the tramp.

I'll be honest: I'm blessed with abs of a 12-year-old girl steel and a competitive nature that wills me to succeed. Armed with those assets, I'm proud to say that, in my first ever attempt at this future Olympic discipline game, I posted a pending world record of 61 drops without stopping. (I could have kept going, but I was hot, sweaty, and in sudden need of a cocktail!) The International Trampoline Federation is meeting later this month in Lausanne to ratify my new mark.

I'd be ready to fight for a spot on the Australian National Tramp Team, but I'm already captain of the Canadian Tramp Team. I'll be coming to a city near you as part of my 2005 World Tour. That's me: "Tramping the globe just for you!"

I'll stick to my own

My friend Stupid Kiwi works for a company called TXU. Every time he sends me an e-mail, I get a chuckle out of the company tagline at the bottom of his e-mail signature:

TXU - we're excited by gas and electricity.

Now I'm just as excited by electricity as the next guy. It's just the gas thang that I have the issue with. But hey, I suppose someone's gotta get off on it. Ahhh, the extremely personal nature of fetishes. I'll leave the gas to TXU and stick to my own pseudo-fetish -- well, more of an obsession, really: M&M's.

And on a related note, I saw these guys parading around in their speedos at a bar last night under the guise of raising money to keep their team afloat (I totally slay me!). Well, in addition to a considerable wad of cash, they certainly raised many blood-engorged penises awareness for their team and its roster of calendar-worthy talented players.

I feel tingly all over

This makes my face tingle. I swear -- I just rub it all over my naughty bits face and the tingling starts and I feel all alive like my skin is being exfoliated by tiny microscopic spa attendants and stuff. The longer I leave it on, the more tingly I feel. Ooooh, how I like it!

God, I love low-level sensory stimulation!

I'm no contortionist

I just spent the past hour and twenty minutes on the phone with this company interviewing for a job.

• Not as a contortionist.
• Not as a clown.
• Not as a bearded lady.
• Not as a lion tamer.
• Not as a human cannonball.
• Not as a cute little Chinese girl who does the spinning-top-on-a-rope thingy.

But for a different position. While I know and understand your preoccupation with various positions, it might not be one that you'd expect.

But stay tuned: I'll keep you posted.

Space

Ahhhhh.

The first night since Friday that I don't have houseguests sharing my wee teeny tiny studio apartment. The first night since Friday that I can sleep without hearing the breathing of four other people. Simple, satisfying pleasures make me happy.

But I already miss them : (

Jeff can't blog for the next few days

Me and my gorgeous sisters J. and S. on my birthday (December 2004)

These gorgeous and brave creatures are coming to visit me tomorrow morning. They're bringing two even more gorgeous creatures with them: my now-7-year-old nieces N. and D. These twins are beyond cute, and now they're even more mature than they already acted than ever, having just turned 7 today.

What the twins don't know yet -- and won't know until they leave home tomorrow morning -- is that they're coming to Sydney to visit Uncle Jeff. We're going to see The Lion King, we'll be heading to a world-famous zoo, and we'll be spending time in my rooftop swimming pool. In fact, I suspect that we'll spend as much time outside of my apartment as possible, seeing as how I live in a 300-square-foot shoebox that isn't fit for human occupation studio. Let's just say it's gonna be like a 3-day slumber party: people occupying every square inch of floor space; no room to move; having no choice but to go to bed with the twins (officially bedtime is 7PM, but let's say it tends to be more like 8); and correspondingly having to get up when they do (which tends to be around 5:30AM). It's gonna be fun, but exhausting.

As a result of this influx of visitors, may I please be excused from blogging for a few days? I don't think the twins will accept Uncle Jeff skipping out on play time because he has to post a blog entry. Consider this entry my doctor's note.

Readers: have an enjoyable few days. I'll have an enjoyable, yet exhausting time. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

If only...

.....all choices were this easy (Nov. 2002)

"Hmmmm.......this beer or that beer. Gosh, I suppose I could drink 'em both. But that would just be soooo out of character for me : ) "

I'm a firm believer that enjoying both is always a viable option. Go out today and exercise your options: order both an appetizer and dessert; have both pre- and post-dinner drinks; or pluck up the courage to really indulge -- however you see fit!

A tribute to Mona Michaelson-Saunders

Party Shades (November 2002)

A good fuckin' amazing friend (I call her Mona, she calls me Jake) left for an overseas trip on Monday to follow a dream she's held for a few years: to work as a medical practitioner with a national sports team. Gone for nearly 3 months, she'll be in Europe when I move back to Canada. I'm a bit sad that we'll miss each other : (

This photo is one of my favourites of the two of us, a tribute to our quirky and slightly off-centred friendship. She's nuts; I'm a bit wacko; it works on a lotta levels. The yellow Party Shades were originally hers, but she entrusted me with them in 2001 and every time we meet up for a visit (my trip to Sydney in 2002, meeting in NYC in 2003, when I moved to Sydney last year) I try to wear them just to get some of the famous Mona laugh. And it always works except when she's so excited to see me in NYC that she doesn't even realize I'm wearing them.

Isn't she the most gorgeous thing you've ever seen?! This pic was taken in November 2002 when I was in Sydney competing in the Gay Games. We took some others that night, too (mostly of me doing some appalling posing in an ill-fated attempt to look sexy) and it was truly an awesome evening with an awesome friend. I'll miss Mona, but I know we'll see each other again before too long. That's just the nature of our friendship.

I'll miss ya, Mona! All my love -- Jake. xoxo

Whatever really happened to Baby Jane?

When I treated friends to my virgin appearance in drag, my good friend Sin-dee (also seen in the picture in this post, but as a boy) was right alongside me. "I don't want heavy make-up," I announced defiantly. "I want to be able to make a quick transition back to being a boy when we're done!"

I think I made the right choice : ) Sin-dee looks a bit too much like Bette Davis in that movie, while I was going for a more natural look. Well, as "natural" as a drag queen with hairy, unshaven chest and legs can be (Me: "I will not shave, except for my face!").

Perhaps I'm not your typical drag queen, but I'm comfortable with that. I'm fuckin' ugly as a woman, but at least I have a slightly soft and vulnerable look about me. But I gotta hand it to Sin-dee: she really pulls off her look. Don't ya think?

Just your average crotch shot

In an effort to make my blog more visual, here's a gem of a pic I ran across recently.

I'm in the middle, with my girlfriends Charlotte and Sin-dee on the left and right, respectively. Taken in August 2003, after Sin-dee, Patsy, James and I had returned from adventures in Provincetown and Boston, note the deep tans mild sunburns on our faces.

I have a feeling we'd consumed a beverage or seven two, as we're known to do. No matter, for we were havin' Summer fun and frolic with friends. Isn't that what it's all about?!

The devil's work

It's amazing how much Thai green curry paste in a can isn't so much green as it is greenish-yellow.

Even more striking is how much it looks like chunk-less vomit when you spill it all over the stove, floor and various in-the-vicinity appliances while making dinner. I didn't yak this time, but wiping it up with a towel reminded me of one time when a certain good friend yakked after an unfortunate run in with the devil's work tequila.

Memories of days gone by. Sigh

"And if I were single...."("You're totally busted", part deux)

And now for the thrilling conclusion to our story. At this point, our hero has just been cruised by the hot man in the red t-shirt.

"You're totally busted," I said.

"How so?" he asked teasingly.

Looking intently into his eyes and putting on my seductive come-fuck-me smirk: "I caught you admiring my ass. And it's not like you haven't been checkin' me out since I first walked in here. You're busted, buddy."

"Guilty." He held my gaze. "And if I were single...." He paused, grinned, and looked me deeeep in the eyes, "I'd be busting to get into those pants of yours."

Perhaps not the best segue in seduction history, but I wasn't about to complain. Jeepers, at this point I was thinkin' I was Brad Pitt in any movie where he takes his shirt off in good stead, so I'm not about to complain about a cliched attempt at telling me he thinks I'm his love god hot. So I challenged him: "I have a feeling that being attached hasn't stopped you from getting into other men's pants in the past. What would make things different this time?"

He smiled just so and flashed those pearly whites. "Perhaps this time isn't any different at all. After all, you're by far the most handsome guy in this entire bar." (insert author's blush here)

And so was my erection-inducing introduction to a lovely man named David. Turns out he's English (how, then, could he have such perfect teeth?!), is cuter than hell, and seemed to think I was the cat's pyjamas. Now I'm not one to write about my chiseled good looks brag, but if I had a US dollar for every time he told me I was way handsome, I'd be able to afford that Ronan Keating Greatest Hits CD can of Diet Coke that I so desperately crave.

Now, before my readers get too excited (especially Jake, cuz I fear the effect that such excitement could have on his recovery process), nothing happened at all with David and his boyfriend -- well, not involving them and me, at least. But I did have the chance speak with David further and look at my reflection in the perfect pools of liquid that doubled as his eyes, and he and the BF are heading to Vancouver in July. Naturally, I gave them my e-mail address with a promise to squire them around the fair West Coast city. I made David promise to buy me a drink, though. After all, I'm not cheap or easy. My motto: "Will tour guide for drinks!"

I left the bar that night with David's compliments repeating over and over in my mind, still fidgeting with my ill-fitting clothes and wondering how someone could see me in such a flattering light. But I remembered something that I suppose I'd forgotten over the past 12 months: no matter how inadequate or insecure you might feel when you walk out into the gay world, there's usually someone drunk and desperate enough who thinks you're just what the doctor ordered. And once in a very rare while, the someone who thinks that just happens to be someone who strikes your own fancy.

Poof! As if by magic, lost self-confidence is miraculously restored, you feel good freakin' great about yourself, and you suddenly remember tour guiding for visitors in July has always been a favourite hobby of yours.

"You're totally busted"

I was ready!

• Disco nap? check
• Quick review of the code of conduct? check
• Moderately lubricated liquored? check
• Lookin' good? uh, sure

OK, just to set the record straight (so to speak), I do not own the previously mentioned lucky outfit. But I felt nearly as ridiculous in my ensemble of t-shirt, long shorts, and white Pumas as I set out for Oxford Street. The t-shirt is so bland, the shorts just don't fit properly, the Pumas just aren't that comfortable. But after trying on eighteen a few outfits, this was the unfortunate end result best I could do. I hate feeling like a twat, but that's truly how I felt. Still, I felt the need to seriously cut a rug, and serious body issues (damn those 10 pounts of holiday happy fat) weren't gonna stop me from doing that!

Ain't it always the way? When you don't feel the least bit attractive (like you've sprayed on the man-repellent real good), you meet a nice guy. Sorry, two nice guys.

The place I had hoped to go for my rug-cuttin' wasn't open (public holiday, schmublic holiday), leaving me disappointed but determined. I went across the road to the bar with which I have a love/hate relationship: I love the cheesy music, but hate feeling like I'm the oldest one in a bar full of self-medicated twinks. No matter, it would do.

I saw him the second I walked into the bar. Not a twink, but a handsome smiley guy. He was wearing a red t-shirt and sitting at the bar with his platonic friend and nothing more boyfriend. Now, I may be shy and have difficulty making eye contact all the time at times, but when someone's boring a hole in your torso with their glare, even I notice. On a return trip to the bar to replenish my beer, I saw him take a couple of steps back to check out my ass. I gave myself a round of mental high-fives and thought, "Take this opportunity."

I got my beer, took a step to my right, and smiled directly at him. He grinned (great teeth!) and I leaned in. "You're totally busted," I said.....

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion.